Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Your 2009 Cubs nicknames

Note from Kurt: I'm strapping on my red scarf and hijacking this post.  Hope Rob doesn't mind.  I'm a huge nickname enthusiest and will be adding my own spin to Rob's post ... but I want to make clear in advance that I know my nicknames suck

Nicknames have always been kind of a "thing" with me.  For those of you who have seen "I Love You Man", you were able to see firsthand the squirminess and discomfort that ensues when good, proper nicknames are not established and then used.  (For reference, Paul Rudd keeps saying squirmy, uncomfortable things to Jason Siegel, like when he leaves, instead of saying "Peace, Homey", he says things like "slashyalates, Jer-blum"). 

Nicknames are never self-imposed, unless of course yer like 7 foot 2, weigh 500 pounds, can rip down a skyscraper with a dunk and have the IQ of raisin toast.  Some nicknames are truly inspired, catch fire quickly, and are immediately accessible to all, like, say, The Riot.  Other men cannot be pinned down by simply one name, like Kosuke Fukudome.  Good lord, nearly ANYTHING can be used and be found acceptable.  Although his teammates prefer Fukie, as most roving bands of professional athletes might - shorten the last name and add the "-ie" suffix.  There is no need to achieve convergence when it comes to the Fooker.

Some of the other ones, like for instance Alfonso Soriano and Mike Fontenot (see the ShoutBox) need to be standardized on this site, and like all good standards should follow industry guidelines.  I think we can consider Baseball Reference as the receptacle for Baseball's Best Practices when it comes to nicknames, and if they use one, it should be considered gospel. 

A brief consultation with BR uncovers the following:

Geovany Soto - OPEN
Kurt sez: Geo works fine.  Sometimes simple is just the best.

Derrek Lee - D-Lee (I prefer DP-Lee, but rules are rules)

Ryan Theriot - OPEN, but The Riot is absolutely sancrosant. 
Kurt sez: I always called him the Quiet Theriot, but that requires you to intentionally mispronounce his last name 

Aramis Ramirez - OPEN
Kurt sez: A-Ram?  The Musketeer?  The Sluggin' Cock Fighter? 

Alfonso Soriano - OPEN
Kurt sez: Sori, The Fonz.  Hey, having "Milton Bradley in RF," maybe it makes sense to have "Sorri" in left...

...well, on second thought, maybe BR sucks, after all.  It's easier for me just to list the Cubs who DO have nicknames listed:

Carlos Zambrano - "Big Z" or "El Toro".  El Toro??? 
Kurt sez: I am and always have been a fan of "The Big Moose."  I realize that after four years, I'm still the only one who calls him that but it'll catch on someday, dammit!

Lou Piniella - "Sweet Lou"

Milton Bradley - "Trouble"

April Fools on the MB one.  Anyway, since BR is of little help to us, I guess we are all going to have to work together to establish a glossary of standard Cubs nicknames.

So please take a minute to add your $0.02 in the comments to this post.  Give us your view of a standard-used nickname (ie. "Demps" for Dempster) or your best suggestion (ie. "VagFace" for Reed).  Then I'll compile them, ask us to vote on any particular conflicts, and publish the results here in an easily accessible reference link.

If you can point us to a link where a teammate refers to another one by their nickname (for example, Reed Johnson's blog or The Riot's turn with Ask Paul) that would be really constructive, and will probably take precedence to whatever clever witticism we come up with here.  BTW: I think the above two links pretty much clinch the fact that Mike Fontenot is simply "Font".

UPDATE: How could I forget??  Reed Johnson is "White Slice"!  And Baseball Almanac lists Aramis Ramirez's nickname as "Rami".  Damn, that's weak.


Alfonso Soriano: Fonzie
Derrek Lee: D-Lee
Aramis Ramirez: A-Ram
Ryan Theriot: The Riot
Mike Fontenot: Fonte-YES
Geovany Soto: Geo-Soto (Clap. Clap. Clap clap clap)-to the tune of "Lets Go Cubbies!"
Carlos Zambrano: Big Z
Jeff Samardzija: My friends and I use "Samard-zilla" occasionally.
Milton Bradley: I got nothing
Ryan Dempster: I got nothing
Rich Harden: Again, nothing.
Ted Lilly: Tedward
Neal Cotts: LOOGY
Carlos Marmol, Kevin Gregg, Reed Johnson, Joey Gathright: ALL nothing
Micah Hoffpauir: The Hoff
Koskie Fukudome: TOO many come to mind (PUKE-U-Dome, Stinky-dome, etc....Turn it around Fuk to get a better nickname).
Koyie Hill: Three-Fingers McGhee

Koyie Hill has GOT to be Three-Fingers something...

Fontenot is pretty much "Font". Samardzija is "Shark" to his teammates, that's the leader in the clubhouse for him. Cotts ain't no LOOGY.

I think we can pretty much etch "The Hoff" in stone, too.

Geo Soto, unfortunately, as a name, is pretty ghey. He more than anyone needs our help

"Shark" link: http://www.und.com/sports/m-footbl/spec-rel/102005aaj.html

don't forget.....

Carlos "the Chameleon" Marmol


Bobby "SugarTits" Scales

Santo says...

Ron calls Fontenot "Lil' Babe Ruth". He also calls Ted Lilly "Bulldog".

I am aware of that, jnphipps

We are unwilling, however, to let pizza boy coin the nicknames. Either the team does, or we will. Whatever is bubbling and oozing in Santo's brainpan is inconsequential here.


Dempster: Dirty Demp
Bradley: MB, Milt
Gathright: Joey-G

I used Dumpster a lot in the old days

...had to retire it last year, tho

In our house: Derrek is

In our house:

Derrek is "GIDP-Lee"
Theriot is "I Predict A Riot"
Aramis is "Rami"
Soriano is "So Sorry"
Z is just Z
Lou is "Loopy"

Like the Kaiser Chiefs reference, but...

The Riot, as previously referenced, is set in stone.


I think calling Miilton Bradley "Gameboard" is catchy and funny.

I'd just want to shorten it

I'd just want to shorten it to "Game"

actually, "Trouble" is kinda catchy

but this particular thread is a democracy, so I don't get to ram-rod my picks in here.

Ted Lilly Nickname

What about "Bundy" for Lilly? First name Ted, last name ends in a hard-e-sound Y (so it doesn't quite rhyme, but anyway...), and both are serial killers.


..definitely in the running.


Here are some that my friends and I use at the ballpark
A lot of these are obvious but never the less
Lee - DLee
Fontenot - Fonteyes
Theriot - The Riot
Ramirez - ARam
Soriano - Fonzie
Johnson - RJ
Bradley - We have decided to call him Uncle Miltie
Soto - GSot (kind of lame, I know)
Fukadome - Fukie
Hoffpauer - Mike Power. Think I stole this one from GROTA
Zambrano - Big Z or simply LOS
Dempster - Demps
Marshall - Seanie
Lilly - Teddie


Aramis: "Louis Vuitton Himself" is possibly the greatest nickname ever... even my ass-clown-Braves-fan buddies respect that one. i'm pounding the table on this one.

Aramis Ramirez

Aramis Ramirez has been Clutchy McClutcherson according to this very blog for multiple years.

Oh yes

...and that is precisely the reason we need to standardize. Too many weens, like us, go running off with a Clutchy McClutcherson (and I was the biggest culprit)

I think

Bulldog fits perfectly for Lilly


sounds too close to "Maddog" Maddux.

I'm still diggin' Bundy, but we will see as votes come pouring in.

Here is my go at

Here is my go at nicknames

Geo Soto- Geo Suave
Lee- D-Lee*
Fontenot- The Spritely little man, Fonty*
Theriot- The Riot*
Aramis- A-ram*, Rammy, Super Awesome clutch machine (SACM)
Reed Johnson- White Slice*
Fukudome- The Fuku-man
Soriano- Fonzie*
Bradley- Snap, Don't wake daddy, The Spark
Hoffpauer- The Hoff*
Gathright- RUN!!!!
Aaron Miles- Hostage, Hero, Scrap
Koyie Hill- Buzzsaw

Zambrano- Big Z*, El toro*
Lilly- Serial Killer, Robot, Bullmoose
Harden-insert bad penis jokes, Canuck, Richie
Dempster- Clown
Marshall- Stilts, Lawdog
Samardzija- Shark*
Gaudin- Wolverine*
Gregg- The new Marschall (his middle name), the g-man
Heilman- SIEG!!!,
Marmol- Marmolade
Vizcaino- Not Marquis
Neil Cotts- ????
Guzman- ???
Patton- ????

*- denotes established nicknames

Don't wake daddy

LOL...that's as good as it gets. You'd get MY vote on that one.

Buzzsaw is also excellent. Not sure SIEG is gonna gain much traction.

More nicknames

heilman- mayo, lunchpail, sammich (sorry for Sieg earlier... delerium set in)

BTW, wolverine is Gaudins nickname, at least from Oakland. I want Buzzsaw to stick badly for Hill. The announcing possibilities are just crazy for it. Man, he just ran into a buzzsaw. Man, the ball jumped off his bat like fingers jumping out of a buzzsaw.

I have a feeling..

..we aren't gonna have the Wolverine to kick around much longer.

well then... no more need

well then... no more need for wolverine after today's news.

We could call Patton "The General"

I do like the old style for Heilman.

For irony I kinda want to call Guzman "Franchise" as he was supposed to be, and people still hope he is, but he never will be.

Ho. Lee. Shit.

Ho. Lee. Shit.


In our house:

Geovany Soto is The Soto-Rooter. Lame I know, but I can't seem to stop from calling him that.

Mike Fontenot is "Mighty" Mike Fontenot. Or just "Mighty Mouse".

Carlos Zambrano is "El Toro Loco", "Big Z" or "The Big Moose"

Ted Lilly is the "Iceman" or "Killer"

Reed Johnson is "Stuntman"

Carlos Marmol is "The Marmolnator"

Neal Cotts is "Aw Shit (There Goes the Game)"

I think Milton Bradley's nickname should be "Headcase". I think he should embrace it and use it to strike fear into the hearts of opponents.

Aramis Ramirez is simply referred to as "The Man".

If there was ever a man in serious need of a nickname, it's Koyie Hill. Hopefully the season will bring that nickname to light.

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