You too can own the Chicago Cubs!
The Sporting News is reporting that, in a compelling sign of confidence, our favorite team's next owner is having trouble ponying up the necessary cash to finalize his purchase of the Cubs. Tom Ricketts has chosen to compensate for this fact by wisely offering a portion of the team to rich, celebrity Cub fans.
For only a cool $25 million you can buy your own slice of the Chicago pie! I can only imagine a Cubs organization in which this is the necessary result of an owner with too little money to actually buy the team. Forget about the possibility that the Cubs will have to cut salary to a more affordable level. I'm worried more about an organization crafted by the feedback of such wealthy co-owners as Bill Murray, Jim Belushi, Billy Corgan, and John Cuzack.
Imagine a Cubs team in which the organist plays melancholy tunes between innings, in which the scoreboard is painted a Burtonesque black, and where one of the crazy owners dangles from the foul pole in order to relive the greatest moment of his movie-making career hoping to catch the homerun ball that wins the Cubs the World Series.
Actually scratch all of that. None of that is actually scary. What's scary is the team being purchased by a poor owner. What's scary is the sudden realization that "Ricketts" is in no way, shape, or form an anagram for "Steinbrenner." What's scary is that the best possible owner remains caught up in his own world in which he dodges allegations of insider trading while exchanging wordy insults with the player of his basketball team's playoff rival. That's the scary thing and that is exactly where we are headed.