The Official GROTA Stance: Welcoming Jim Edmonds with Open Arms
After today's call with Des Moines radio host Jon Miller, I've come around about Jim Edmonds. I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, "he done smoked some crack," and, you know what? I'd never do that. LSD is my mind-altering drug of choice. ...no, not really, I apparently do prefer crack.
Some others are thinking, "aw, no he didn't!" And you'd be wrong. I just did.
Still more of you - and now we're into the GROTA writers territory - are preparing to tender your resignations, as you just can't imagine how every single writer but Kurt can oppose the signing of Jim Edmonds, and yet the Official GROTA Stance is an Edmonds endorsement. Well, gentlemen, it has nothing to do with me thinking I'm bigger than the rest of you - although physically I mostly am - nor does it have anything to do with me thinking that it's my blog and the rest of you just get to play here. Nope, the only reason this is the Official GROTA Stance is because I declared it first. Tomorrow, Junior Rider Colin could say "it is this blog's official stance that Ryan Theriot should be wrapped up in a garbage bag and beaten with bricks to within an inch of his life," and since he called it first, it would be accurate.
But before you string me up for my unconditional Edmonds support, you should realize that, well, there are some conditions. I shall detail them below:
1. Since Edmonds is the newest Cub, he shall be designated as a rookie for the duration of the '08 season (even if real rookies later join the squad). Consequently, he shall be forced to wear women's garments on all road trips, and he shall be taunted and bullied before every game. ...come to think of it, this is not unlike his normal routine.
2. The bad attitude of Edmonds may have a negative effect on team chemistry. Therefore, in order to promote team comradery, on all road trips, Edmonds shall be crammed into the trunk of the smallest car a Cubs player owns and transported in that manner. This act will promote a positive, team-building attitude amongst the other Cubs players, who will all take turns stuffing Edmonds into confined spaces.
3. Jim Edmonds must have a Cubs logo tattooed onto his chest, and he shall go bare-chested at all Cardinals functions in the future.
4. Jim Edmonds shall never, ever, ever take an at bat as a Cub.
I suppose that #4 is perhaps the most important. Furthermore, if any of these four criteria are failed to be met, then I no longer support the signing of Jim Edmonds. Can we all agree to get behind this Edmonds Endorsement? What about you, Lassie?
Note to our non-traditional readers: This photoshop is perhaps too much of an inside joke for most people to get. You'll just have to take my word for it that said joke is bitingly, scathingly funny. Sound good? Good.