Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Len Kasper

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Talking Points

So, like Rob, I have been a little MIA lately. And now, while my recent pessimism is at its most recent low-point (for the time being), I'd like to share some random thoughts with y'all that I've had over the past few days...

-Let me start off by addressing Rob's most recent post. There are two types of baseball fans: Fans of the Game and Fans of a Team. Personally, I'm starting to consider myself more and more a Fan of the Game because I will stop and just watch baseball for the hell of it (something I never did in my younger years). BUT, I have the upmost respect for people who are die-hard Fans of a Team. It takes a certain type of person to be completely engulfed in a franchise that views us (fans) as walking cash cows, yet that person cheers for that team until the bitter end. This is especially true for Cubs fans. This team, for decades, has abused and teased the fans by dangling the prospects of winning a World Series in front of our faces. I'd like to think most other fans would have turned away from a franchise like this. But not guys like Rob. I tip my hat to you sir. You have some brass coconuts.

-Speaking, of man parts, did anyone else see Prince Fielder try to tap Aramis Ramirez in the nuts last night when A-Ram was round first and heading for second during the seventh inning? I watched this over and over again on my TiVo but the results are the same every time. Fielder reaches out and tries to get a piece of Ramirez's piece. Two words for you Prince: TESTICULAR TORSION. I know you're a vegetarian and everything, but I think these nuts technically qualify as meat.

-For most of the season, the Cubs looked like world-beaters. Thennnnnnnnnnnn, July came along and things kind of got all blah blah.  Some people liked to call it a slump while others just thought it was the June Swoon coming in a month late. With the recent success of the club in Beer County, however, its starting to look more like the Cubs are playing up and down to their competition. In the last month, the Cubs have lost series against the Giants, Astros (sans Oswalt) and D-Backs (sans Harden, Webb) along with a home split against the Marlins. On the flip side, the Cubs have taken two of three from the Cards in St. Louis and guaranteed themselves a split with the Brewers in Milwaukee. Perhaps the biggest problem for the Cubs down the stretch might be a motivation issue against lesser opponents?

-Does anyone have video of the Zambrano/Fontenot pregame routine where Big Z hammers Mikey into the ground like a rail spike? I'd love to get some video of that. Don't ask why. I just do. Leave me alone.

-Len Kasper, let me say that I think you're a solid broadcaster and play-by-play guy who is far exceeding the expectations I had for you, but you have got to stop declaring Cubs victories too early. You're killing me man and karma is a bitch. Any time the Cubs go up by 5+ runs, Lenny starts calling the game like it's already over and you can start flying the big blue and white "W" flag. I consider myself a superstitious guy when it comes to baseball and Kasper is seriously tempting the Baseball Gods. Len, if you pre-call a Cubs victory before the 27th out and the Cubs end up losing, I will rip your lips off. Seriously.

Pestilence v. Comcast SportsNet Chicago

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
NORTHERN DISTRICT OF ILLINOIS

GOATRIDER, PESTILENCE,
FOR AND ON BEHALF OF ALL CHICAGO CUBS FANS WATCHING THE CUBS GAME ON 3 JUNE 2008 AT 00:04.

Plaintiffs

v.

COMCAST SPORTSNET CHICAGO,
UNNAMED PRODUCER OF COMCAST SPORTSNET CHICAGO,
UNNAMED CAMERAMAN OF COMCAST SPORTSNET CHICAGO,
KASPER, LEN,
BRENLY, BOB,
BARRETT, MICHAEL,
WOOD, KERRY,
MARMOL, CARLOS,
GONZALEZ, ADRIAN,
SAN DIEGO PADRES,
CHICAGO NATIONAL LEAGUE BALL CLUB,

Defendants.

COMPLAINT
(Jury Trial Demanded)

Plaintiffs, by and through their undersigned attorneys, for the Complaint in this action, hereby allege as follows:

INTRODUCTION

1. This action is filed by the victims of unnecessarily dramatic coverage of the final out of the Chicago Cubs game started on June 2, 2008 and finishing shortly after midnight on June 3, 2008. Plaintiffs are the loyalest of Cubs fans, brave enough to stay up after their bed time in hopes of witnessing the Cubs' eighth consecutive victory. The defendants together conspired to perpetrate unnecessary drama at the end of said game.

2. Pestilence is a Chicago Cubs fan who suffered heart failure immediately before the final out of the game was recorded. Pestilence is filing this action on behalf of the hundreds of thousands of viewers who are likely to have suffered similarly. Pestilence and the undersigned attorneys will seek to elevate this matter as a class-action complaint.

3. Comcast Sports Net Chicago is the broadcast outlet that aired the game in the greater metropolitan Chicago area, and select households subscribing to MLB EXTRA INNINGS.

4. Carlos Marmol is the Chicago Cubs pitcher who set the table for the unneccessary drama by allowing two runners to reach base before grooving a pitch over the heart of the plate.

5. Adrian Gonzales is the San Diego batter who crushed said grooved pitch into the seats closing the 4 run lead to 1 run.

6. Michael Barrett is the San Diego Padres catcher who is primarily responsible for the underlying action that caused the unnecessary drama. Barrett is a former Chicago Cub who left the team under dubious circumstances. Had his warning track flyball been a home run, the emotional scarring of this home run would have been more significant than if another Padre, who had not been a former Cub, had tied the game. Barrett has a propensity for hitting dramatic home runs.

7. Kerry Wood is the Chicago Cubs closer who relieved Carlos Marmol. Wood also hung the slider that Michael Barrett hit for a warning track flyball.

8. The Unnamed Comcast Cameraman filmed the 9th inning of said game. This cameraman willfully filmed a much higher trajectory of the flyball than was necessary. Due to this high trajectory camera angle, hundreds of thousands of Cubs fans were momentarily led to panic as they assumed Michael Barrett's warning track flyball was indeed of home run distance sufficient to reach the Western Metal Supply Co. warehouse far beyond the left field fence.

9. The Unnamed Comcast producer chose to use the unnamed cameraman's feed of the flyball. This decision contributed to the heart attack suffered by Cubs fans everywhere.

10. Len Kasper and Bob Brenly are the Comcast announcers who emphasized the unnecessary drama by not reassuring viewers early enough that the baseball would remain within the confines of the playing field.

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