What?  We have no tags for Jeff Baker&Andres Blanco?  We need to rectify that, because they are here for the long haul.

A very popular topic of conversation amongst Cub bloggers is the Mark DeRosa trade.  Over the months of this abortion of a season, two camps have sprung up - the "Mark DeRosa is not God" camp espoused by Desipio Andy, and, um, everyone else who tends to track the entire spiralsuck of 2009 on the New Years Eve trade.  Naturally, I tend to think the truth falls somewhere in the middle.

Mark DeRosa can be counted on to hit close to 20 homers, drive in close to 70 runs, hit around .260 and get on base 34% of the time.  He is not a great fielder, but not a liability, either.  His two main talents in life are that he is friendly, and that he leaves his ego in check well enough to allow himself to go play a corner outfield spot, third base, second base or first base.

The latter talent is vitally important to Lou Piniella, who if he had his way would expect every member of his 25-main to be able to play more than one position.  Except Z, he would pull his lazy fat core muscles playing in the field.  Lou loves DeRosa.  Which begs the question: where is all the Lou love for Jeff Baker?  Baker is essentially DeRosa, only younger, covers a tad more ground, hits for a better average (albeit less power), and can and will play all the positions Mark does?  Of course, I don't recall seeing Baker in a cute YouTube skit, or in the paper much commenting on the cartoon-watching proclivities of a Bobby Scales, or something cutesy like that.

My take on Mark DeRosa, on this 25th day of September, 2009?  I do not blame the entire fall of the 2009 Cubs on the loss of Mark.  I do think losing him took away one of Lou Piniella's safety blankets, and it would have been better having him around than giving 400 at bats to Mike Fontenot.  If you believe that DeRosa was traded, so that his salary could be leveraged to pay Milton Bradley, then you have every right in the world to be pissed off.  On the other hand, he was traded at the peak of his value (for once in Hendry's tenure), and although a popular meme in the papers these days is for Hendry to right the wrongs of 2009 by re-signing DeRosa this winter, it seems pointless to have a roster with DeRosa AND Baker AND Andres Blanco AND Ryan Theriot AND Mike Fontenot AND Aaron Miles.

Unless, of course, you do the following:

• install Andres Blanco as the starting shortstop
• sign DeRosa, and let him and Baker rotate between second base, spelling Ramirez at third, spelling Alfonso Soriano in left, and spelling whomever in right.
• this leaves very little room for Fontenot.  Get rid of him.
• But!  But!  What about The Riot?  He's our shortstop!  He's our starter!  He hits .300.  If you don't like his fielding at short, can't he play second?  Won't he be mad if we got rid of Fontenot?

Yeah, probably.  In my humble opinion, I am through with Ryan Theriot at shortstop.  I like his .300 batting average, but I don't like his baserunning and I don't like his lack of playmaking ability.  I forgot what a real shortstop looked like until Blanco came up from the minors.  Compared to him, The Riot looks really bad.  So could Theriot play second?  Sure. 

And here's where it gets complicated.  Who starts then?  Theriot or Baker?  And then, if you re-sign DeRosa, things really get jammed up at second.  Therefore, it makes no sense to me to bring back Marky Mark unless you get rid of Theriot, because then you have three starter-caliber guys wanting to play one position, and occassionally spell guys in a couple other positions.

Besides, if you got rid of Theriot, then who backs up Blanco at short?  We'd be forced to keep Aaron Miles.  Ew.  I just threw up a tad.

So, in my world, I start Blanco at short, with Theriot at second primarily, and against lefties, Theriot plays short, and Baker plays second, spelling Theriot once a week.  Baker also plays third for Ramirez once a week, plays left for Soriano once a week, plays right once a week, and second 2-3 times a week.  Theriot gets about 550 PA, Baker about 500.  Soriano and Ramirez get more rest in 2010.  The defense improves dramatically.  If you sign DeRosa, it would have to be based on the terms I just outlined for Baker.  Then you trade Baker, while HIS value his high.

Aaron Miles is allowed to start selling insurance, and Mike Fontenot can go back to Baton Rouge to run a combination batting cage/bar/laundromat.

As we all know Aaron Miles is one flop among a handful of off-season screw-ups from this past Cubs winter. However, there might be a good reason for his rapid descent into oblivion. When Miles initially joined the Cubs, he made a rather cryptic remark. He said, "I am ready to play baseball the right way."  It is a very odd thing to say. After all, what was he doing in St. Louis? He just came off a season where he hit .317. He did a decent job fielding for the Cardinals at 2nd and shortstop. Currently, to say he is floundering is a vast understatement. Yet, now he is playing baseball the right way. I think you all know where I am going with this. To claim that someone with such poor power numbers was using performance enhancement drugs seems ridiculous. Still, given the overall drop in performance, it makes one wonder what happened to him. If he did in fact use PEDs, why would he make a remark? Maybe, he wanted to put an end to all of that nonsense? Maybe, he was making a snarky comment about the PED culture at his former team, the St. Louis Cardinals. Who knows? All, I know is that this is not the same player as last season.

In a craptastic roster move that took place this afternoon, the Cubs have sent Jeff Stevens back to Iowa to work on his schtuff.

Taking his place?

Aaron Bleeping Miles.

WHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This move upsets me for two reasons. First, why Stevens instead of Samardzija? The Cubs are seriously mishandling the Shark, and it's annoying. Consider his bullpen appearances thus far a sunk cost, do what's right, and send that kid back to Triple A, where he can work as a starting pitcher.

Second, Aaron Miles sucks. Every at-bat he receives will be a waste, and another small step preventing this team from winning the division. I hope to God he's cut before the end of the month.

(I'd also happily accept a breakout offensive performance in the last two months of the season, after which I will eat my own words and look like an idiot. But until then, UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)

ALSO! According to reports, BJ Ryan has asked to be released by the Cubs. He will not be helping the major league team any time this year. So it's Grabow and Marshall, and maybe Gorzo after Lilly comes back, in the 'pen as far as lefties go.

Go Cubs.

I am not going to elaborate; I trust you all will do it for me.  But this team would be a lot better, instantly, if these five guys were either released or sent to Iowa, and replaced by the next best five guys we have in the farm system:

Geo Soto, Ryan Freel, Aaron Miles, Neal Cotts and David Patton.

Yeah, Soto.  His OPS+ is the LOWEST of all NL regulars.  He has grounded into nine double plays, which also leads the NL.  He is slugging below .300.  He could not be more fat, sassy, and entitled. 

Send Soto to Iowa,  Patton back to Colorado, release Freel and Cotts, and do what you can with Miles.  Replace them with any five names you wish - Jeff Stevens, Mitch Atkins, Jake Fox, Wellington Castillo, and Andres Blanco - and we'll be instantly better.  This cannot be argued, this is fact. 

Whether or not this would be best in the long term, I personally feel it would.  This portion, argue amongst yourselves (or agree amongst yourselves, if need be).  But short term, Soto, Freel, Miles, Cotts and Patton are just KILLING us, and we just can't carry them, along with everyone else not named Lilly, Fukudome and Hill, who are slumping right now.

NO, NO, NO, no, no!!  You're all doing it all wrong!!!

So, how are you all enjoying your Memorial Day weekend so far?  (For Canucks such as Kurt, the fourth weekend in May here in America is set aside for...)  Ok, Kurt is actually here somewhere in the lower 48, and of course he grew up in New York, and that's probably the last attempt at humor from me for the rest of this post, because this shit just ain't working.  I came out here after the first 20 games, I think we were 11-9, and I pointed out that Geo Soto was fat and sassy, that Milton Bradley completely had his head stuck up his ass, and that Derrek Lee's best days are absolutely behind him, and you all flamed me up one side and down the other, leaving me with a nice charred crust with very little pink in the middle, because by gawd, it's only TWENTY games, give guys a chance, for cripes sake!!

Now, it's forty games in, we're 21-19, which means we've played .500 ball since that last post.  I did what you said, I gave them a chance to work things out, and what's happened since? 

• Geo Soto still ain't hit dick
• Milton Bradley is still pressing
• Derrek Lee is not only still struggling, but he's now doing it in the cleanup spot
• and, now, we've exposed Mike Fontenot for what HE is, useful as a backup, but not capable of hitting on an everyday basis
• and, as an added bonus, Ryan Theriot has gotten away from what HE does best (go to right field) and he's swinging for the fences, with the predictable result of a plummeting batting average, on-base percentage, and overall usefulness
• and, of course, Aramis Ramirez' shoulder is still fusing itself back into one piece
• and, we now have not one, but two useless utility men burning at-bats and butchering plays in the field.  Sometimes, the Orioles aren't stupid, and I know pretty much the Cardinals aren't.

  But what worries me the most is looking at Lou Piniella night after night.  There is a noticeable cognitive difference in him from 2007 to today.  His job is stressful - particularly when he has come so close twice, and have it all slip away so suddenly and completely.  This job turns people.  When Dusty Baker hit town, he was all California Cool.  By his last year, he spoke and acted like someone was spiking him in the groin.  When Don Baylor hit town, he was all New Age Enthusiasm.  By his last year, he spoke and acted like someone was spiking him in the groin.  When Jim Riggleman hit town, he acted like the slimy horndog he was.  By his last year, he spoke and acted like someone was spiking him in the groin, which was probably somewhat based in reality, considering his typical nighttime activities.  (When he and Mark Grace left town, it left a lot of dental hygenists and flight attendants in their mid-30s unfulfilled)

  Now, Lou don't talk like he's in pain, but I have talked to people trained in diagnosing dementia, and they notice how he can't seem to put a coherent sentence together when he is asked a question.  He is probably the most confused man in Chicago presently, and not only does that explain why Neal Cotts still has a job, it doesn't bode well for the immediate future of the Cubs.  I have backed this man since day one, but I can no longer. 

  Hendry ain't gonna fire him, no way.  But I don't believe Lou has an answer for 2009, and in the meantime, we are wasting some decent-to-good starting pitching.   Man, I still think getting Jake Peavy would send a message, but Adrian Gonzalez would look a HELL of a lot better in pinstripes.  Too bad he ain't available...

You know what? I'd really like to see Aaron Miles on the bench during the 2009 season.

I'd really like to see him sitting while Mike Fontenot takes the field. You might say, I'd like Lou to bench Aaron Miles. If only there was a website to reflect this desire of mine.

...if only.

But seriously, folks, Miles isn't terribly good. He puts up a decent average (.289 for his career and .317 last year), but he's sort of a bit lacking in patience and power. He's averaged fewer than 30 walks a year, has a career OBP under .330, and has never managed more than a half dozen homers in a season. Miles, in short, is Jose Vizcaino without the wicked shades.

Over the last 5 years, Miles has posted OPS+'s of 72, 65, 74, 76, and 99. For the uninitiated, that includes zero years of league average baseball and a baseline right in line with a replacement player. He's what Ryan Theriot would be if he had peaked in 2007. Furthermore, the most similar batter for Miles according to Baseball Reference - among those who I've actually heard of - is Craig Counsel (and yes, I've heard of Jeff Treadway, but that's a terrible comp). The most similar batter for Mike Fontenot? No one. He's so damn good that there is not comparison.

Although if I had to pick one, it'd be Babe Ruth.

Well, maybe not quite Babe Ruth. Maybe Ruth's left thigh.

Or a buttock. Either buttock.

Miles? There is not one part of Babe Ruth that couldn't outhit Miles, and that includes his spleen. Yes, that's right, I said it. Babe Ruth's spleen could outhit Miles.

The important thing to remember in all this is that Lou's not an idiot. He knows that Miles is a backup and that Fontenot has the potential to be a huge contributor. Sure, Miles will get most starts again lefties (despite the fact that Fontenot was excellent against lefties in limited action last season), but that's cool. Miles will also likely get a few starts at short against righties and a little action at third.

I'm going to approach the middle infield of Miles/Fontenot/Theriot as a single unit. A three headed monster, if you will. But Fontenot will be the big head. The scary dragon head. Theriot's the slap hitting snake head who steals sloppily. And Miles? He's the shrunken head.

Go Cubs.