Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Urine Stains on my Khakis

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Thoughts about the NL Central

Well...I go away for a few days of early-winter Christmas bliss with my family, and you kids just turned this little site into a piss-match...nobody ever tell you kids to keep your DAMN hands to yourselves?  Gatdam Time Out Generation....nobody respects the other's space...

...ahem.  Well, I hope you're all HAPPY with yourselves?  What, nobody made wassail or hot toddies?  No egg nog or mulled wine?  I find that nothing on earth is more relaxing or chill-outing than old fashioned Christmas dranks.  Of course, I myself got ahold of some bad vodka Wednesday night and thought someone installed a hot-water boiler in my gut Christmas morning, but I am all better now and ready to give my thoughts about our division, which "ajwalsh" suggested as a fine idea and a diversionary tactic to the great DeRosa/Dunn Pissing Match of aught-eight.

You may have noticed that we haven't improved ourselves at all, personnel-wise, up to this point.  Now, we did retain Ryan Dempster, which compared to the rest of the league, is almost the same as making progress.  If we draw a golfing analogy here, the Cubs are shooting 2-over through 13, while some of the rest of the league is shooting 5-over, 6-over, and the Yankees are shooting 9-under, but keep in mind them dumfuks are just as likely to not sign their scorecard when they breeze into the clubhouse later.  Just thank our dear day-old Lord that the Yankees don't play in the NL Central.

We all know what our shortcomings are, and there's various ways these can be addressed.  Please realize that our holes are so very much smaller and less festering than those of the rest of the division.  As such:

Pirates: it is official.  No team has ever been down this far for this long.  They have been under .500 since 1993.  I honestly cannot imagine what course of events that could conceiveably happen to pick this franchise out of the gutter.  I realize that the most historically unsuccessful franchise of all time managed to win a ring this year, but if and when this sad sack ever turns itself around again, it will be due to an epic effort which will take hundreds of years and cost millions of lives.  Suffice it to say that when I write an off-the-cuff division preview for 2009, we don't have to worry about the quadruple-A farm club to the stars.

Brewers: are going down.  This is probably the greatest shame of all regarding the Great Yankee Buyout of 2008.  Management here did things the right way - they drafted well, nurtured their young talent, took lumps, improved, went as far as they could, and took the final step of trading for the Stud Hoss Leader that all could ride the rest of the way.  Then they lost him for Steinbrenner money.

Nearly everyone else is still in place, including Yovani Gallardo whom I love, but unless Chris Capuano comes back from the dead and another couple of guys step up in the rotation, the fall is going to be fast and steep, and they'll have to go back to ticket giveaways and featuring the Sausages on the front of their Media Guides again.

Reds: now that Dusty has gotten his Patterson, Mercker, Bako and Hairston fix, some of the best young talent in the league will get a chance to really shine.  Except that Dusty will always be Dusty.  He kills starting pitchers dead where they stand, he can't develop young talent, he doesn't have a 6 or 7 hundred home run hitter to stand behind, and last I heard, both Jacques Jones and LaTroy Hawkins need jobs.  Expect them both to start apartment hunting near Cincy soon.

But, man, once they get rid of Baker, look out for these guys someday.  Our own personal Window of Winning (WOW) will be shut closed by this bunch by the time it is said and done.

Cardinals: Grampa Pujols, the corpse of Cris Carpenter, and....wait?  It's distasteful to make death jokes about Cardinal pitchers?  Who the f cares?  How about the 60 years of crudely drawn cartoons about red birds crapping on baby bears?  How about Brock-for-Broglio?  How about Clem from Pontoon Beach, who came up, married my sister, dragged her back down there and made six towheaded babies who lick matches, root for the Cardinals, and eat opossum for dinner four nights a week?

Anyway, I don't expect encore performances from Kyle Lohse, Ryan Ludwick and especially Todd Wellemeyer.  FAIL.

Houston: we all witnessed the true nature of the Asstrolls psyche when they were relocated by Hurricanes Ike, Bud, and Drayton.  You know what, boys, sure you got a raw deal, but it looks like to me a lot of pampered-ass millionaires lost perspective.  You get paid performer salaries to play a kids' playground game!!!  Nobody wants to hear you bitch about your families being in harm's way. 

First of all, really, how many of you actually HAD their families living with you at the time?  Next, we ALL knew two weeks in advance that the damn thing was coming.  Finally, each and every one of you, from Fat Elvis to Oswalt to the 25th man, could all afford to have your loved ones transported comfortably to safety.  No bus caravans for any of you...if you're making the MLB minimum, which is what, about a half-million?  Can't you friggin' hire a CHOPPER to lift them out, and back to your "offseason" home?

What the events of this past fall said to ME, is that although they have the best mix of talent in the division, even more than we do, and that we have the most to fear in 2009 with this bunch (a mid-budget third baseman and third starter is all they probably need), the fact that the Asstrolls are nothing but a bunch of whiny, snotnosed babies doesn't put much fear in my personal heart.  They can take a hard, long suck of my ass. 

Cubs win the Division three years in a row!!  Now, we just need to find a leadoff hitter, so we don't get caught flogging our own log in the playoffs again.  

Live blogging the last three (okay, four) innings

...because a full 9 innings is just too hard.

And scrappy Mike leads off the inning with a hit as the game starts anew, tied in the 6th.

8:46 And Lee with another single as Backe fumbles with his shoes.  Backe wearing a nice strappy sandle, fit for a nice summer gather.  Picks up clay like a bitch, though.

8:47 The Astros have a pitching coach names Dewey...I can only assume he's a local hero.  Oh, and the 20k game?  Total crap.  Should have been a no hitter.  I can only assume the appeal is burried in paperwork.

8:48 Oh snap, Len just made the same joke.  Is that a positive?  And if so, for whom? Who?

8:49 Whom?

8:50 Oo, pitching change.  Well, at the close of 4 minutes, the Cubs are still tied 3-3 but have ducks on the pond (metaphorically speaking).  

8:51 Alright, I know that I just saw a commercial telling me that people love comcast, but I'm having a hard time believing it. You see, I had Comcast, and it's not fit for homeless people.  Stick with RCN.  It's muy bien.  And as I type that, we have a Derrek Lee Special.  Boo.  Oo!  More commercials!

8:55 So, Big Z is out, maybe with an injury, but all I can think about is that this live blogging is moving the wrong direction.  Isn't the most current time supposed to be on top?  I've never done this before.  On the plus side, I don't imagine anyone is reading this live, so it can just read as an article.

8:56 I think Zambrano was just dehydrated.  It's freakin' hot out there.  Right?  RIGHT?

8:58 Why is everyone ignoring the real issue here?  Howry is being allowed to pitch in a tied game.  Will we never learn?

8:59 Can I just say that I love that an extra ball fell out of the vines.  Len thinks Edmonds threw the wrong ball.  

9:00 Holy crap, Howry is bad.  But on the plus side, Therior says he is built like a Greek God.  Um...yeah.

9:06 Sorry, got a little stunned by Howry's inability to pitch.  A fun little Did You Know: Howry throws lots of strikes and they all hit bats.  That's bad.  No wait, now a walk.  Holy Crap.  This is an outstanding losing streak we've got going.

9:08 ...and the boo bird reign down.  You know, this commercial for Bud Light and x-ray vision is totally sexist.  You could never get away with a commercial like that featuring a hot chick and then a fat chick.  I'm going to fight this discrimination.  I'm going to form an national organization of men and it shall be called...America.

9:11 ...and, I've officially lost the will to live.  My cat just removed my shoelaces...and hung herself with them.  I'm sad, but really I just don't want to deal with it.

9:12  A seventh run, sure, but not RBI.  Sit on that, Tejada!  Boo ya!

9:14 I'd just like to point out the plus side here: three homers.  And not one of those three homers was a single.  Not one!

9:15 Have I ever mentioned how annoyed I am that they added the tag line to the end of that Pepse commercial "Goodbye Mr. Made-of-different-stuff guy".  Yes, we are too stupid to get that he was made up of different stuff.  We get it.  We're dumb.  Thanks for the clarification.  

9:16 Shit, still haven't got Hawk tickets.  No, seriously, that wasn't sarcasm.  Hockey's fun, I swear.  I mean, do you have something better to do this winter?  Drink?  You can do that at a hawk game.

9:18 Wrestler or super hero?  I think the word you're looking for is "idiot".


9:20 Ge-o So-to clap clap clapclapclap

9:21 I'm pretty sure he heard my clap clap clapclap clap

9:22 Okay, fine, I love Theriot too.  Oh, what the hell, I love all you'se knuckle heads.  Commere

9:23 Pitching change.  I should probably take this opportunity to pee. Oop, too late, game's back on.  Chris Sampson on the hill.  You know, if you cut off his hair, he loses all his power.

9:24 No really, it's true.

9:27 How is this guy getting outs?  Seriosuly?  Jesus, hit this guy.

9:28 COMEON  COMEON whew, all in the dirt.  An I still have to pee.

9:29 is there any way to describe blocking a pitch in the dirt that doesn't sound like gay fan fiction?

9:30 fair, really?  Come on.  DeRosa time.

9:31 And by DeRosa, I mean Fontenot, and by time, I mean FRICKIN' AWESOME

9:32 Okay, we've got wagers going on how Derrek manages to hit into a double play.  Who's in?

9:33 *sigh* 

9:36 Bladder=void.  Sadly, I didn'y make it to the bathroom but, on the plus side, my khaki shorts are now multi-hued.

9:38 Who's happy to see Angel Guzman?  *raises hand*

9:39 Interesting side note: If you didn't raise your hand, you're a godless communist.  Why do you hate America?

9:41 Guzman is slow.  Maybe he's letting his tendons heal between pitches?

9:42 Oh for God's sake.  Throw a God damn strike.  Jeebus.

9:44 I do believe Brian Campbell is quite ugly.  How was he picked?  The only Blackhawk who had heard of baseball?

9:47 Ah, that's right, the big new free agent.  And Len, Matt Murton jokes with hockey players fall flat every time.

9:48 Holy crap, how can a professional athlete throw that badly?  I mean, I get why I suck, but he's a million dollar athlete.  I'm kind of serious here.

9:49 EDOMONDS!!!!!!

9:50 I'm convinced that the black, viscous fluid that courses through Edmonds's veins is the source of all his power.  What ever it is, I love it.

9:53 When Marmol has control of his fastball, women ans small children cower.

9:54 To be honest, large children also cower.  And small women.  And husky men.  And plus size models. And britney spaniels.  And monkeys.  And some types of tacos.    Soft shell.

9:56 It's fairly hilarious that Gagne has the all-time record for hit/9 innings.  The Brewers signed Bizarro Gagne, yes?

9:58  You and I both know he went around.

9:58 (still) A poem for Carlos Marmol:

There once was a man named Marmol

...shoot, that's all I've got.  I'll keep working on it.

10:01 So...when does Theriot regress to the mean?  Tomorrow, right?

10:02 For those scoreboard watching, the Brewers are all tied up.

10:06 orry, faded for a minute.  But let me just say, I admire the way this guy doesn't throw strikes.  Hey, it's Dewey, local hero!

10:08 And the Mets with the lead!  3-0 on Fontenot!

10:09 Loaded with one out for Derrek Lee.  You know what this means, right?

10:10 ...just too poetic

10:11 How releaved am I that I didn't get the Lee jersey in the off season

10:13 Theriot gets a lot of shit for his baserunning blunders, but at last he only makes one out at a time.  Lee really makes me sad.

10:17 I just heard the Pirates were eliminated.  Somewhere a single tear falls from Bob Walk's eye.

10:20 Whoop...Ramirez brought the slippery glove.

10:23 Okay, we try the poem again:

His last name was Marmol, first name Carlos

His fastball ball was fast, VAMANOS

He went to the game

His resume hall of game

Okay maybe not but he's really good...a mos.

(I'll keep working)

10:27 METS WIN!!!

10:28 I can't believe they bunted with DeRosa.  Insane

10:30 Oh yeah, bottom of the ninth.  Nevermind, that's defensible

10:33  Oooooohhhhh Kaaayyy...Cubs going to extras, Jason getting tired.  Hey, I have to work tomorrow.  Seriously, score a run and make this game go away.  

10:36 And with a nod of the head, Ramirez politely declines the Gold Glove.

10:43 Kerry Wood is very good at baseball.  And yes, I'm getting very tired of blogging the game that will not end.  I'm even thinking of buying a Ford...or a generic prescription

10:43 ....and now I want a Toyota.  And popcorn.  I'm very open to suggestion.

10:46 I'd say don't bunt, but it's Fukudome.  I'm torn.  He's got to take a couple, right?

10:48 Kose-Kay...you're making me sad.

...and company's here, so live blogging ends  Go Cubs.

Epilogue: Alright, so the Cubs lost.  That's 4 in a row at home and they are officially in a slump.  Boo.  Does Lou plan to keep Howry on the post-season roster, cause he's not getting anyone out this year.  I dunno.  Still, they are pretty much sure to make the playoffs, right?



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