Goatriders of the Apocalypse

2009 Player Previews - Corey Koskie

Corey Koskie

The Cubs have some strange ideas regarding foreign players.

I mean, first there was Mr. Zero, brought in to babysit Kosuke as he assimilated to this strange new American culture. Zero, of course, was the reading on Shingo's gas tank as he never sniffed the Cubs' roster. He was a truly useless player by the time he found his way into the Cubs' camp. And now we have So Taguchi in to take care of Kosuke (who, conveniently enough, is touring the world with team Japan. Not sure what So's doing, exactly).  So's pretty crappy too. Not much on-the-field help there either.

Seems kind of silly, no?

But the whole Japanese companion thing has seemed pretty acceptable to most fans.  "Hey," the fans say, "he's Japanese. Who *knows* what he and So talk about." But less generally accepted are the rest of the little "helpers" brought in to aid those new to the Americas.

Alfonso Soriano brought in to babysit Aramis Ramirez was odd, but worked out pretty well.

Fontenot holding Theriot's hand...that worked out quite well.

And now we have the strangest member of the All-Chaperone team: Corey Koskie. Li'l Ryan Demspter struggled last year with the 2008 Cubs, failing to win 20 games for the 10 straight year, and most attribute his struggles to a general inability to fit in south of the Great Lakes. And so that's where Corey Koskie, a fellow mounty, comes in.

Sure, Koskie's kind of a long shot. Out of baseball for a couple of years, Koskie's unlikely to return to his former sorta-glory with the Twins, when he was a sure bet for 15-25 homers and a solid walk rate.  But stats aren't why Corey Koskie has come to the Cubs. They have players who can bring it on the field.

No, Koskie's here for what he can mean to Canadian Ryan Dempster.

Now Dempster has someone with whom he can discuss his strange ham-bacon food and yak fur hats.  Someone with whom he can argue the relative merit of Abies amabilis versus Abies lasiocarpa. Corey Koskie won't laugh when Ryan rides a moose into the clubhouse (like that insensitive bastard Derrek Lee).

You see, the "fans" who see Dempster as some kind of jokester aren't there to see the tears that well up when the crowds disperse.  What they don't get is that mocking foreign cultures is a shallow, shallow form of humor and hurts the subject of the joke. That's just not something you can understand until you've felt the sharp sting of a mocking American.

Corey Koskie knows.  And I think that's going to make all the difference.


I did not think I was subtle. Didn't see that respond coming.

Note to self: making several absurb statements in a row does not always clue in the reader that I might not be serious.

But yeah, the Soriano thing was in there as a strong clue that the entirely of the article was not meant to be taken seriously because it's a patently absurd statement that nobody could ever, ever believe. Seriously. He makes 18 million a year.

I could go on, but there's probably not much point. Strange response, I must say.



I actually thought Koskie

I actually thought Koskie owned a moose. Shows what I know.

The premise for this column

The premise for this column is asinine. How was Soriano brought in to babysit Ramirez? And Fontenot to help with Theriot? Fontenot came over to us as a throw in on the Sosa deal, and wasn't expected to do shit. We got David Crouthers on that deal too. Who was he brought in to babysit? Rich Hill?

I'm not a baseball genius, but I would surmise that Koskie was brought in to fight it over with Miles on who is going to back up Ramirez at 3rd. But you allude to him being brought in to settle down Ryan Dempster? Let me get this straight. He was signed to a minor league deal so that he could help a guy who has been in the effing majors for years, and who was our best starter last year? The fuck? You do know that Canada has over 30 million people in it. They could have gotten someone cheaper. In fact there is this girl in Niagara Falls that took my virginity when I was in High School, I'd like to recommend her. She was the hottest girl I ever lied about. (I mean,,,,,,made passionate love to for hour and hours)

I think half the problem

I think half the problem with people on the internets is that either they take themselves too seriously, or they think WE take OURSELVES at ALL seriously. Luke, re: Soriano being brought in to babysit Ramirez:

Satire: 2. Keeness and severity of remark; caustic exposure to reprobation; trenchant wit; sarcasm. Syn. -- Lampoon; sarcasm; irony; ridicule; pasquinade; burlesque; wit; humor.

As stated I'm not a baseball

As stated I'm not a baseball smarty guy, and maybe I'm not a winner at the internets either, but I read Jason's column three times and didn't see the sarcasm. Is there a sarcasm font we can just use from now on so I don't take anything seriously that is meant to not come off as serious?

I didn't read it as sarcastic, because people actually bring up the fact that Fontenot and Theriot are LSU boys that played together, and that Fukudome actually did have a player and interpreter to help him acclimate to being stateside.

So which part of it was sarcastic, and which part was serious? The Ramirez Soriano thing? Koskie and Dempster? But not Fonty and Theriot? Taguchi and Dome?
Just let me know because I don't want to stay on the internet short bus forever.

Well, let me just ask you a

Well, let me just ask you a few questions ...

1. Do you really think anybody thinks Soriano was signed to "babysit" Ramirez?

2. Did - or do we believe that - it work out well with our middle infeilders because Fontenot "holds Theriot's hand?"

3. Does Jason really think Ryan Dempster "struggled last year with the 2008 Cubs" (citing as his example that he failed to win 20 games for the 10th straight year) and the reasons for his struggles were because he was unable to "fit in south of the Great Lakes?"

4. Is Koskie really a mounty, as Jason claims?

5. Do you really think that we think the only reason Koskie is on the team is because of "what he can mean to Canadian Ryan Dempster?"

6. Will Dempster really discuss "his strange ham-bacon food and yak fur hats" with Koskie?

7. Do we really think that Dempster is the classic crying clown?

How can you not see the satire?

1. I have no idea. If

1. I have no idea. If they do, they are obviously a moron.
2. No. But the consensus in baseball is that these two work better together.
3. I have no idea what Jason thinks. You should ask him. Not me. I didn't write a post which starts off saying that a Japanese player needs a big league friend,,,,,,,then runs down a list in which that's the reason that Koskie is on our roster.
4. No. But I would guess that he loves Tim Hortons
5. No. I think he's here just in case we have a rain delay during interleague play with Detroit in June, and we need another Canuck who knows the good nudie bars in Windsor.
6. I'm sure that their discussions are much more high brow. Dick and fart jokes for sure.
7. I reserve the right to only keep one classic crying clown in my mental roladex. Cookie from The Bozo Show. When he got hit in the face with a pie.

Maybe I'm not making myself clear enough here. Maybe this retardedness has went on quite too long. Either way, I'm not getting back the umpteen minutes I've spent typing and thinking about if Jason was actually serious, or sarcastic, and how much of a tool I am for even typing sentences out about it.
Either way. The Internet won today. I am now dumber.

Point is, the satire of

Point is, the satire of Jason's article should have been hitting you over the head. I mean, especially the line where Jason said Dempster STRUGGLED last year ... if that didn't make it obvious to you that the article was a jest, then I'm not sure how to help make it clearer.

Maybe like me you're suffering from sleep depravation or something, but it wasn't exactly subtle. I'm just sayin'.

1. no 2. yes (see inning 2,

1. no

2. yes (see inning 2, game 2)

3. 14

4. obviously

5. definitely

6. of course

7. clowns are scary

DONE. I think I aced this one.

you always ace these

I hate you effin curvebusters! Always making the rest of us earn our marks legitimately.

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