Goatriders of the Apocalypse

The Absolute worst time of year for Cubs fans

(Channeling my inner Jim Mora) PLAYOFFS?  PLAYOFFS?  Who said anything about PLAYOFFS?  We haven't done diddly....POO!

Indeed, we have not.  This IS the worst time of year for us, especially now in 2009, having to endure a NLDS without the Cubs in it, when everyone associated with baseball simply assumed we would have a place just by showing up.  Many, many lessons to be learned, first about taking success for granted.  Also for making snap decisions based solely on stats and not taking human factors into account.  Someday someone will write a egg-heady book about the human cost of trading away a decent, modestly talented human being like Mark DeRosa so that we could afford to bring in an marginally more talented yet profoundly flawed person like Milton Bradley.  On paper, it was a slam-dunk - Bradley led the entire AL in OPS in 2008.  If you believe in personal growth and redemption, you might talk yourself into believing that Bradley had matured enough to deserve, cherish, and professionally uphold a lucrative three-year contract.

But, if you're like me, convinced that a cat can never change its stripes, then you knew from the moment he was signed that it had no chance of working.

So here we are, fans of the club with the best pitching possibly in the entire league, wondering what to do here in October.  Most years prior to this one, it was easier.  We knew we sucked, so real baseball fans would cherish the opportunity to spend their time watching quality ball, and provincial fans like myself would just bury themselves in pro football, college football, high school football or whatever items on the 'honey-do' list we've been putting off all summer.

This year is different.  I feel cheated.  I truly feel like I went to a live show, perhaps a stand-up comedy performance by, say, Chris Rock, but instead they rolled out some guy they caught pissing in the alley out back.  We should be there, we aren't, and I can't help thinking that this is going to cut into the already meager level of enjoyment any of us would normally feel watching October baseball that doesn't include the Cubs.

To make things even more distasteful, most of the Usual Suspects ARE still at it.  The Evil Satanic Fowl.  The Massholes.  The Steinbrenners.  Manny and his bitch-titts. Vlad the Impaler and his Halos, who actually I have very little gripe with, outside of the fact that they ALWAYS make the playoffs, then ALWAYS choke their spot away to the Massholes.  Not to mention the incumbents, Hole Camels, his vacuous blonde succubus wife, their new baby, and the rest of the Phillies, a franchise that, until recently, was even more associated with failure than our own.

There aren't any Tampa Bay Rays this year, the former weaklings at the beach kicking sand in everyone's faces.  The only two teams that don't make me want to hurl my lunch are the Twinkies and the Rox.  It is Rocktober again, apparently.  And even the Twins kind of chafe me, when I consider that it is WE that deserved Joe Mauer and THEY what deserved Mark Prior.  If we had the first pick that year, that would be the ultimate insult.  But the Twins actually picked first, and they were smart, thrifty and lucky to pick Mauer, and leave the so-called Best College Pitcher Ever for us.

I work with a whole poopload of Cardinal fans, who advance the theory that if they win, then they will buy themselves another five years of grace with their fanbase, and thus won't have to re-sign Matt Holliday or even, dare I speak it, the Great PooHoles.  Therefore, says they, I should root for them this year, with the long-term success of the Cubs in mind.

When I start trusting Cardinal fans is when I start living my life according to the principles of Rush Limbaugh, driving a gigantic 4-wheel-drive tank deep into virgin woods to better facilitate shooting animals dead for my personal pleasure, and secretly booking hotel rooms at hourly rates on the other side of the tracks so I can have my bare ass beat by swarthy young men with lesions on their necks.

In other words, nah.  Go Twins! 

Nobody cares, but my take

WTF, man? The Angels drive you crazy because they are always on the playoffs? So are the frigging Rox! And they're a new team (OK, well, not "new" new...but what business do they have always being this good while still being younger than me? Fuck that.)

I was rooting for the Tigers. They are historically almost as hard-luck with the WS as the Cubs, and 2006 doesn't count. It just doesn't. My daughter was rooting for a Cubs-Tigers WS to make up for 1945. When they lost I lost all interest in the Twins.

Yankees? Fuck them. They are fuckers. Fucking fuck them. Can I say fuck this much?

The Sox? Sick of them, but whatever. They were as bad as the Cubs for almost as long, but their management got their act together and built a franchise that can complete just about every year. What have we been trying to do for the last decade? Oh, yeah...that! The Cubs just suck at it as much as they seem to suck at everything else.

The Angels? Whatever. I wouldn't kill myself if they won

The Cardinals? I shouldn't have to say anything, but the only thing that would make another Yankees WS bearable would be if the Cards were swept by LA.

LA? If it weren't for Manny, I could almost root for them. But I can't bear the thought of Manny in another WS

The Rockies? See above, but fuck them. They were an expansion team when I was a lad. Shouldn't they suck every now and again? Ye gods! Go Pirates!

Which brings us to the Phillies: Why do you hate them so much? Did they gang-rape your dog? Jeez. Hate the Camel and his wife, sure, but they gave us Ryne Sandberg. And they aren't obnoxious, even if their fans are (God! how their fans are obnoxious. One of them once stole a ball from my then 10 -year-old- daughter. It wasn't even from a Phillie: Marmol sent it up into the stands during batting practice...for my daughter! Fuck I hate them so fucking much!!!) And Cliff Lee. Woof! Oh, and my father-in-law wouldn't let me drink his beer is I didn't at least try to root for the Phillies, and beer is important in these Cubsless days.

Not worth much, but there you go.

Never love the incumbent

They also brought us Mike (Crybaby) Schmidt, the Wheeze Kids with Pete Rose AND Joe Morgan, and Yes, their fans are inhuman. They DID gang-rape my dog. So there!

Crap. I forgot about Joe

Crap. I forgot about Joe Morgan. You win.

And I'm sorry to hear about your dog. But you still gotta give it to me about the beer. Right? Anybody?

it is worth rooting for the Phillies for beer

especially if it was "lager". Good stuff!!

But even if the Lord himself offered you some of his home brew, it is not worth rooting for the Cardinals. Or Yankees. Or Mutts. Or Manny Bitch-titts

Oh Yeah?

Hey, if 1985 counts, then 2006 counts!

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