Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Just another day in the life of Kevin Hart

There's a knock on Lou Piniella's door.

HART - Hey Skip, d'ya have a min?

LOU - aaaah, sure kid, come on in...

HART - Thanks, Skip.  I was thinking, y'know, I know that Ted's coming back soon and that me an' Wellsy are both rookies filling in the rotation, and everyone's talking about him being a Rookie of the Year, and he's good and all, but I've won three starts in a row, too...

LOU - aaaah, yep, yep, you have.

HART - ...and I'm thinkin' that I've earned a spot in the rotation, too.

LOU - aaahhh, yep, yep, sure, yer right.  Aahh, I agree with you one hunner percent...

HART - (brightening) REAL-ly?  Hey, great, thanks!

LOU - yep, aaaahh, sure, you've earned it, especially since you got a 1-and-oh record with 4 strikeouts in your home park...

HART - (confused, wondering to himself if some of the other guys were right, that the old man really is getting senile) Skip, you know, I've won the last two starts on this homestand...

LOU - I know, son.  I meant PNC Park.  Aaahh...yer a Pirate now.

HART - WHAT?!?  Yer kiddin', right?  A PIRATE?

LOU - Aaaah, nope, Jim traded you just a minute ago.

HART - A PIRATE?  They SUCK!!  Traded?  Who for?

LOU - aaaaah, um, the Grabow kid for one...

HART - As WHAT?  Your LOOGY?  Lefties have a higher batting average against (.275 to .235) than righties!  Who else?

LOU - and, aaah, the Gorzellany kid.

HART - JEEEZ!  He's from Evergreen Park - he's a GAT-DAM Sox fan!!

LOU - Nah, aaah, he's the happiest human being in the world right now...

HART - well HELL yes he is, he's getting out of Pissburgh...

LOU - aaaah, well, it's more like Indianapolis for him.  And he's going to Iowa.

HART - Sounds like an lateral for him.  You can't get a decent pizza in either place.

LOU - ummm, well, aaah, I wouldn't know.  I generally eat at Harry Caray's, and when I'm back home, ummm, in Tampa, generally we eat fish.

HART - yeah, well?  I sincerely hope I make you guys HURT for this!

LOU - aaah, umm, well, son, this ain't "Little Big League".  And I'm not your biggest fan,  Uuuh, you're not going to get me to slump over in my chair in despair.  It's nothin' personal, son.  It's business.

GRABOW - (rushes into office) Hey, Skip?  Hope I'm not too late gettin' here.

LOU - ummm, aaah, hello, son.  We, umm, just traded for you like, aaah, seven minutes ago? 

GRABOW - No prob, Skip.  Pirates were off today.  Me and Gorz were, um, just in town for some wings at Yak-Zies.  He had to stop in the head first.

HART - I can't believe anyone here thinks this is a good thing for me, when Grabow gets here seven minutes after the trade was made.  How bad could it be...?

GORZELLANY - Howdy, Skip!  (Holds out hand to shake)

LOU - aaah, well hello, son.  I, uhhh, hope you washed first?  Since Moises Alou passed through here, we always, aah, ask.

HART - Well I, uh, gotta go, I guess.  Sorry to bother you, Skip.

LOU - aaahh, umm, well, no bother at all, Hill.  Good luck in Pittsburgh!  (smiles) Hey, say hi to Jack Wilson for me?

GRABOW - he's in Seattle now, Skip.

LOU - well, aaahh, then Dirty Sanchez?


LOU - aaah, jeez, well...

BLANCO - (peeks head in crowded manager's office) Ay, Skip, Dempster y Harden se tira de los dem├ís camisas sobre sus cabezas de nuevo!

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