Goatriders of the Apocalypse

A revised take on Sammy Sosa


Sammy Sosa was a god among men who pissed liquid gold and blew rainbows out of his ass. He was charitable beyond all measure -- he once adopted ten thousand Dominican orphans and bought each one of them their own private island, on which he built mansions that included a personal McDonalds off to one side of the main kitchens.

Sammy's teammates loved him and he shared his music with all. Ryne Sandberg once personally requested that Sosa impregnate his wife so that she would conceive a child of superior stock.

In the clutch there was none better than Sosa. He once even hit an errant pitch with his batting helmet in order to win the game -- it managed to clear the left field bleachers by several feet.

Perhaps the shining pinnacle of Sosa's career came the year he decided to also pitch for the Cubs. It turned out that Sammy was ambidextrous and on days in which he wasn't playing RF, Sosa would start games as a righty pitcher. On days in which he wasn't starting, he came in and pitched lefty relief. For that reason he once led the league with 66 homeruns, 25 wins, and 50 saves. He was awesome.

All of this is more acceptable than the alternative history that some people spout. Were we to even hint at there being any discord in the clean, shining career of Sammy Sosa people would be upset. For that reason I am happy that the truth is out, and let it be known now and forever that Sosa was -- and is -- the greatest Cub to ever live.

"Ryne Sandberg once

"Ryne Sandberg once personally requested that Sosa impregnate his wife..."

Ouch...Mark Grace would be offended.

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