Well...I go away for a few days of early-winter Christmas bliss with my family, and you kids just turned this little site into a piss-match...nobody ever tell you kids to keep your DAMN hands to yourselves?  Gatdam Time Out Generation....nobody respects the other's space...

...ahem.  Well, I hope you're all HAPPY with yourselves?  What, nobody made wassail or hot toddies?  No egg nog or mulled wine?  I find that nothing on earth is more relaxing or chill-outing than old fashioned Christmas dranks.  Of course, I myself got ahold of some bad vodka Wednesday night and thought someone installed a hot-water boiler in my gut Christmas morning, but I am all better now and ready to give my thoughts about our division, which "ajwalsh" suggested as a fine idea and a diversionary tactic to the great DeRosa/Dunn Pissing Match of aught-eight.

You may have noticed that we haven't improved ourselves at all, personnel-wise, up to this point.  Now, we did retain Ryan Dempster, which compared to the rest of the league, is almost the same as making progress.  If we draw a golfing analogy here, the Cubs are shooting 2-over through 13, while some of the rest of the league is shooting 5-over, 6-over, and the Yankees are shooting 9-under, but keep in mind them dumfuks are just as likely to not sign their scorecard when they breeze into the clubhouse later.  Just thank our dear day-old Lord that the Yankees don't play in the NL Central.

We all know what our shortcomings are, and there's various ways these can be addressed.  Please realize that our holes are so very much smaller and less festering than those of the rest of the division.  As such:

Pirates: it is official.  No team has ever been down this far for this long.  They have been under .500 since 1993.  I honestly cannot imagine what course of events that could conceiveably happen to pick this franchise out of the gutter.  I realize that the most historically unsuccessful franchise of all time managed to win a ring this year, but if and when this sad sack ever turns itself around again, it will be due to an epic effort which will take hundreds of years and cost millions of lives.  Suffice it to say that when I write an off-the-cuff division preview for 2009, we don't have to worry about the quadruple-A farm club to the stars.

Brewers: are going down.  This is probably the greatest shame of all regarding the Great Yankee Buyout of 2008.  Management here did things the right way - they drafted well, nurtured their young talent, took lumps, improved, went as far as they could, and took the final step of trading for the Stud Hoss Leader that all could ride the rest of the way.  Then they lost him for Steinbrenner money.

Nearly everyone else is still in place, including Yovani Gallardo whom I love, but unless Chris Capuano comes back from the dead and another couple of guys step up in the rotation, the fall is going to be fast and steep, and they'll have to go back to ticket giveaways and featuring the Sausages on the front of their Media Guides again.

Reds: now that Dusty has gotten his Patterson, Mercker, Bako and Hairston fix, some of the best young talent in the league will get a chance to really shine.  Except that Dusty will always be Dusty.  He kills starting pitchers dead where they stand, he can't develop young talent, he doesn't have a 6 or 7 hundred home run hitter to stand behind, and last I heard, both Jacques Jones and LaTroy Hawkins need jobs.  Expect them both to start apartment hunting near Cincy soon.

But, man, once they get rid of Baker, look out for these guys someday.  Our own personal Window of Winning (WOW) will be shut closed by this bunch by the time it is said and done.

Cardinals: Grampa Pujols, the corpse of Cris Carpenter, and....wait?  It's distasteful to make death jokes about Cardinal pitchers?  Who the f cares?  How about the 60 years of crudely drawn cartoons about red birds crapping on baby bears?  How about Brock-for-Broglio?  How about Clem from Pontoon Beach, who came up, married my sister, dragged her back down there and made six towheaded babies who lick matches, root for the Cardinals, and eat opossum for dinner four nights a week?

Anyway, I don't expect encore performances from Kyle Lohse, Ryan Ludwick and especially Todd Wellemeyer.  FAIL.

Houston: we all witnessed the true nature of the Asstrolls psyche when they were relocated by Hurricanes Ike, Bud, and Drayton.  You know what, boys, sure you got a raw deal, but it looks like to me a lot of pampered-ass millionaires lost perspective.  You get paid performer salaries to play a kids' playground game!!!  Nobody wants to hear you bitch about your families being in harm's way. 

First of all, really, how many of you actually HAD their families living with you at the time?  Next, we ALL knew two weeks in advance that the damn thing was coming.  Finally, each and every one of you, from Fat Elvis to Oswalt to the 25th man, could all afford to have your loved ones transported comfortably to safety.  No bus caravans for any of you...if you're making the MLB minimum, which is what, about a half-million?  Can't you friggin' hire a CHOPPER to lift them out, and back to your "offseason" home?

What the events of this past fall said to ME, is that although they have the best mix of talent in the division, even more than we do, and that we have the most to fear in 2009 with this bunch (a mid-budget third baseman and third starter is all they probably need), the fact that the Asstrolls are nothing but a bunch of whiny, snotnosed babies doesn't put much fear in my personal heart.  They can take a hard, long suck of my ass. 

Cubs win the Division three years in a row!!  Now, we just need to find a leadoff hitter, so we don't get caught flogging our own log in the playoffs again.