Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Alfonso Soriano may return early

When Alfonso Soriano retires from baseball, he could probably get a job in the horror movie industry. Just when you think his body's been riddled with enough bullets that the threat of doom is over, the Fonz would slowly rise up once more and descend on the horrified teenage campers. He heals that fast. We'll call the movie "The Return of the Fonz," which will be followed by "The Return of the Fonz... Returns Again." We'll make millions!

According to the Tribune, The Fonz - who leads National League outfielders in votes - will shortly be re-examined by doctors in order to determine if he's healing as freakishly fast as it appears. Not surprisingly, Alfonso wants to play in the All Star Game, and he's hoping to be ready before then.

Just keep in mind that Alfonso healing quickly and producing strongly are not synonymous. He may be back in early July, maybe, but he might not be his old productive self until August - if at all this year. That said, it doesn't appear as though Jim Hendry has even thought to consider my sensible idea of cheaply signing Kenny Lofton to bat leadoff until Alfonso's return, so let's hope for two things - a) Alfonso recovers as quickly as he thinks he will and 2) the growing flock of scrubs used to start in his place produce a little.

Let's see if...

...Cubs brass has the gonads to send Fonzie to Iowa for a few games to see if his hand actually works.

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