Goatriders of the Apocalypse

More on uni's

I labelled this post under Gladitorial Combat, because that is what broke out after Kurt posted his uniform ideas yesterday.  It appears, that like music, religion, and politics, the pyjamas that your team wears when it walks between the chalk means a lot to folks.  Since Bill Simmons is deciding to take his ball and go home, Paul Lukas has the best column on ESPN.com's Page 2, "Uni Watch", in which he tracks all laundry-related trends in the major sports. 

Beauty is in the mind of the beholder, and while Kurt is jonesin' on the 70's Braves vibe, you might like the current button-down polyester, and as a guy who lets his wife pick out all his clothes, I'm not here to tell you right from wrong.  And, for the anal retentives out there, I also disclose that what I am about to say is not backed by any government-related statistical analysis.  But some organizations tend to change designs often, either for purely monetary reasons, or perhaps they are dissatisfied with their current aesthetic.  One team in particular (*cough* whitesox *cough*) flopped out some of the most heinous clothes in the history of clothes before settling with their current gangsta chic which, when compared to Bill Veeck's madrigal phase, is a good look for them.

But some clubs believe they have a classic look already, and have no plans or reason to ever change.  I will attempt today to assign an 0-to-5 point value for each team in the NL on their probability of changing their look in the near future.

Arizona: an expansion franchise, who while proud possessors of a World's Championship, is till tinkering with their aesthetic image.  They've gone from the stereotypical nineties purple-teal-and-black to a red design that isn't exactly flying off the shelves.  I assign Arizona a 5 probability that they will change their look in the next five years.

Atlanta: after years of inflaming Kurt's heartstrings with bold geometric designs, the Braves went back to a retro-look design nearly 20 years ago, and have changed little beyond some sleeve patches.  There seems to be traction there, so they score a 1.

Chicago: a 2.  Although I like the away greys myself, I can see the need for a freshening, even if it is towards a further-retro direction.  Even though I liked Kurt's vest-and-cream design for the homer, I believe the current solid-blue home cap, as well as the blue pinstripes, are considered by management to be as proprietary as the bricks-and-ivy.

Cincinnatti: a team with as much tradition as any, yet they are constantly fiddling with the pinstripes-vs-solid, as well as the sleeved-vs-vested look.  This makes them succeptible to change as a 4.

Colorado: unlike Arizona, this expansion team has stuck with their nineties purple-and-black, and their huge change was putting the uniform number on the front of the jerseys several years ago.  I give them a 3, not because their management seems particularly twitchy, but because their look is sta-a-a-ale.

Florida: basically a carbon copy of fellow 1993 expansion partner Colorado, except theirs of course is teal-and-black.  Once again I award them a 3, not because management has shown a propensity to tinker, but because both teams need to get out of the nineties and maybe sell some jerseys.

Houston: the proud progenitor of some of the worst unis in human existence, the AssTrolls have been searching over 45 years for a image, and they're STILL looking.  4

Los Angeles: to them, a seismic shift (pun intended!) was when they put "Dodgers" on their away greys for a few years.  They went back to "Los Angeles", which is how God intended.  0

Milwaukee: 5.  Always count on them wacky cheeseheads to do something funky with their duds.

New York: 3.  Owners of perhaps the stalest image in the league, someday ownership is going to have to get serious about taking market share away from the Evil Empire.  Resistance MAY be futile - too much tradition to try to buck.

Philadelphia: 1.  The Champs may have finally stumbled onto something good with their neo-retro look, and their alternate cream-colored is just A1 Steak Sauce.

Pittsburgh: 5.  They may someday run them poor guys out topless to try to attract fans.

San Diego: 5.  Houston, I apologize.  When I ripped on you, I forgot the "dirty diaper" look and the "Taco Bell" look.  Not to mention Tony Gwynn.

San Francisco: one would think that they might stick with their current look, but the originator of the Orange Day-Glo look can never be slept on.  3.

St. Louis: 0.  Not a chance.  It always pains me to give these dickholes credit, but whether they're pounding us or we're pounding them, they shore look good.  The best dressed men in Missouri.

Washington: 6.  This joke of a franchise, while they have nice unis, is bound to jack with them for no other reason than the fact that they are incapable of doing ANYTHING right.

I actually like the Nats

I actually like the Nats jerseys, too, but I'm sure they'll change them before long.

I'm also pretty sure that you side with me about dropping the names of the jerseys. I realize that some people suffer from limited logic skills and cannot understand how I'd want a duo-tone hat and jerseys without names, but it just looks COOLER. (Which is basically how I base my opinion on EVERYTHING. If it looks COOLER, thumbs up!)

I'm pretty sure that the next Cubs jersey I buy - regardless of what it looks like or whose number is on the back - will be nameless by request. Then, I'll just have to cross my fingers that when Carlos finally leaves Chicago, the jabrone who replaces him won't suck ass.

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