15) Sandpaper my own butthole with 40 grit

14) Go down to Louisiana and gargle oily sea water

13) Dress up like a Mexican and wander aimlessly near the Arizona/Mexican border

12) Get handcuffed to a chair in a theatre showing "Eclipse" around the clock, and nobody knows where the key is

11) Spend the next 11 days as the official butt-wiper for the Argentinian Soccer team, including their coach, Maradona

10) Sit through the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings wearing nothing but festering hides from untreated Himalayan yaks against my bare skin

9) Be locked in a holding cell with Joran van der Sloot, then due to his innate Dutch agression, being forced to submit to his sexual urges

Spend the entire holiday weekend having to discuss religion and politics with my ex-wife's cousins from eastern Tennessee

7) Being forced to count the number of times "LeBron" has been used on the internet this week, only I don't get to use a good computer with a T1 line because I don't have a job right now at a place where I have access to one

6) Go sundress shopping with my stepdaughter

5) Donate blood from both arms while being forced to look into the 'bright-light' thing from the optometrists

4) Listen to the entire 72 hour, 11.2 gigabyte compendium of "The Wit and Wisdom of Tony LaRussa" while sitting in a unvented toilet with 16 Cardinal fans who all ate a bad batch of fried ravioli two hours ago

3) Give three straight hours of psychotherapy to Milton Bradley with no breaks

2) Be condemned to a Hell where there were 60 inch plasma TVs every six feet, and they were all tuned to Fox News

1) Live in a rusty, dented single-wide trailer in Midlothian, helping William Legue cook meth for his White Pride buddies