Goat Riders to Pujols: We Accept Your Offer
Recently you were quoted as saying that you are frustrated by the steroid speculation that you have been the brunt of. In your own words:
just because Manny made a mistake, now I have to pay? Just because A-Rod made a mistake, now I have to pay? Oh, guilt by association? That's wrong. . . .I would never do any of that crap. You think I'm going to ruin my relationship with God just because I want to get better in this game? You think I'm going to ruin everything because of steroids? . . . . Come test me every day if you want, everything I ever made in this game I would give back to the Cardinals if I got caught.
Mr. Pujols, we can't accept this offer fast enough. And let me say that we appreciate your generosity in making this offer. After all, we at GROTA are firm believers in the importance of the sport's integrity. There are millions of children out there who have grown up only to discover that their hero -- be it Manny, or Sammy, or Raffy, but not A-Rod (because nobody idolized him) -- is a cheat. If you in fact are clean, sir, then you would be just about the only one. That would be amazing! That would be exactly what the sport needs! We want to help you help baseball, Mr. Pujols!
So here's what we're going to do. We at GROTA are a simple Cubs blog that you have surely never heard of (as people your age are not particularly internet savvy). That means we're poor, working types who cannot easily afford the expensive tests that actually find the designer drugs. So, we will start a charity drive here. This charity drive will serve a two-folds purpose.
First, we will use that money to buy the really, really good drug tests. Not the urine tests that you can beat, but hair follicle and blood tests. A quick Google search confirms that these tests are expensive -- but they do exist and they work. The problem with Major League Baseball, though, is that they only ask you to pee in a cup -- and I'm not convinced by any measure that you are unaware of when those tests are coming. (Of course, that doesn't mean we think you're cheating, sir, it just means that we think it's possible that shady stuff could be going on. We want to be sure, though, and we're sure you would appreciate our thoroughness.)
Since HGH is still undetectable in urine tests, blood is the only way to go. David Epstein reports that HGH-seeking blood tests have existed for more than half a decade now, and there are some labs that will do a test for as little as $50 a pop. Hair follicle tests for high levels of testosterone, on the other hand, appear to be pricier. So let's just say -- and we'll confirm the exact figures later -- that we need to raise $250 a day to test you in hair and blood (and that might be on the conservative side. Then again, who knows, perhaps there is a testing company in the Chicago area who would do it for free -- this is something we will look into).
I'm quite certain that the millions of Cub fans out there would donate more than that to prove your honesty, Mr. Pujols. After all, Cub fans -- like all baseball fans -- want to prove the sport has integrity, and testing you would do that!
Therefore, on the assumption that we can in fact raise more than the total daily cost of the drug test kits, the second thing we will do is this: whatever we have left over will go to a charity of your choice if you are clean. (And on the unlikely chance that you are not clean and we have an overflow of donations, it'll go to a charity of our choice. Either way the down-trodden win. Perhaps there's a charity out there that benefits families scarred by steroid use -- we'll find them and help them out.)
And if you are in fact unclean, sir, then rather than force you to "give back" everything you've ever made in the game to the Cardinals, you can instead donate it to a cause supported by this website -- and perhaps you'll also agree to retire in disgrace? (We can discuss the ramifications of a failed test. I'm sure we'll agree on something fair.)
Here's the thing, Mr. Pujols. We won't just be testing you for a week or two. We'll test you every single day of the regular and off-season. We won't quit testing you in October -- we'll keep testing you for as long as you play and it comes up clean. (But we will pay out to the charities in October if you have passed all 180+ tests each season.) And although it's impossible to beat a blood test, we won't test you at a set time every day -- we will test you randomly, perhaps immediately before (or after) you have gotten on the team plane, or before (or after) you have entered your hotel, or before (or after) a game. The point is you will never know when it's coming.
We would never have thought to issue this challenge had you not welcomed it with your statement. But since you insist that you are clean, and as you welcome being tested "every day" -- your own words -- then it only makes sense that you stand behind what you have said.
Also, we'd love to see a copy of your original birth certificate, but we can discuss that one later on.
So please, Mr. Pujols, I am sure that you are as anxious to clear your name as we are. Contact us at media (at) goatriders (dot) org. We'll set something up and get the ball rolling as soon as possible.
Y'know. For the kiddies. And to prove your innocence. Really.