Dear NL West,

First and foremost, thank you. Thank you for being an absolute suckfest of a division with no pitching or hitting to speak of (unless you are on the Arizona Diamondbacks).

You’ve been so generous to the league by selflessly sacrificing your records to give away wins to other teams. Thank you specifically for giving my Cubs a bountiful 11 wins and only 2 losses. You have really out done yourself.

Now I’d like to take a second to thank each team individually for their contributions…

Arizona Diamondbacks. Thank you for providing the spark that turned the Cubs season around. A lot of people might disagree with me about this, but I believe the pivotal moment of this season so far was when the Cubs swept you back in early May at Wrigley. Before that series, the Cubs were 19-15 and coming off losing efforts against the Nationals, Brewers, Cardinals and Reds (they went 1-2 against all of them). The unstoppable force known as the Cubs were suddenly looking…stoppable. There was lack of confidence in Cubdom and a sense of doom gripped the land. Then you came along. The Cubs completed the sweep and since then have gone 11-6 and gained the swagger of a championship contender.

Los Angeles Dodgers. Your team is made up of burned out All-Stars who are riding the DL like a Stairlift to retirement. This past series was a little too close for comfort as the Cubs could have been swept as easily as they accomplished the sweep, but 3 wins is 3 wins. Like a grandparent giving out generous amounts of money on Christmas, you have really outdone yourself.

San Diego Padres. The Cubs roughed up your ace Jake Peavy for four runs in four innings on May 14, but more importantly, you helped contribute to the revival of ultra killing machine Ted Lilly. T-Lil pitched 6 innings and struckout 11 of your hitters (although he did give up four earned runs but all is forgiven in a win) and nearly murdered Mike Quade while on his way back to the dugout.

Colorado Rockies. Yes Rock-tober is officially over but you have once again proved that you are as terrible as we all know you really are. You had the Cubs up against the ropes last night with a 4-3 lead in the 7th but still couldn’t seal the deal. Hopefully you can help cap off a totally rocked out rocking Rock-ay for the Cubs and launch the team into a bitchingly rock-ified Rock-une.

San Francisco Giants. We’ve yet to meet you this season but you are arguably the worst team in the NL West and I know the Cubs are looking forward to seeing you soon. Also, thanks for going 4-3 against the Cardinals this year. It’s really helped me make the lives of my Cardinals friends a little more miserable than it already is.

Keep up the awesome work guys.

One of your biggest fans who will continue to cheer for you through all your losing,
Kyle