Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Neifi's gone, so why can't I stop talking about him?

Neifi Perez, former team MVP and savior for the Chicago National League Ballclub, has begun bucking for a future analyst job. When asked to break down the problems with the Cubs, he had all the answers:

When you go with three rookies [in the rotation], it's tough," Perez said in the Tigers' clubhouse after arriving Monday from Chicago. "Like the other day (Aug. 15) we were facing Roger Clemens with [Juan] Mateo from Double A. [Mateo] pitched great that day. I don't take anything away from him, but the respect wasn't the same.

It was an interesting game for Neifi to use to pick on the rookies. After all, the Cubs won that game as rookie Juan Mateo stared into the icy visage of Clemens and didn't flinch. 50 different games to chose from where a rookie pitcher pooped his pants at the thought of pitching to real hitters, and he picks the one game when the pitcher actually earned unqualified respect. It's just...odd.

By the way, Neifi? The look in peoples' eyes when the discuss Clemens isn't respect, it's fear. Fear of the cruel heart that pumps a viscuous black fluid through his leathery veins and kills not just for pleasure, but to maintain his youth.

Whatever. Anyway, Neifi went on to discuss some more lucid points:

Rookies aside, the real problem was Baker's handling of the lineup. I remember coming to the ballpark every day and staring in disbelief at the lineup card that had me hitting second. It was, like, "my god, doesn't this guy understand how many runs I'm costing the team?!?" Not that I was complaining. I needed every at bat I could get so I could vest that plate appearance bonus of mine. I'll miss Dusty.

Yeah, I bet you will, Neifi. I bet you will.


I'm surprised Dusty allowed Ohman to wear #13. I figured Dusty would have #13 sweat bands for the rest of the year.


Know what I'm going to miss most about Neifi? The way he always adjusted his junk on national television - during every at bat, every camera shot of him on the field. It just wasn't the same unless we got a courtesy shot of him adjusting himself every 30 seconds like it was an OCD twitch. Hope he has good luck in Detroit and finds a cup that fits.


Ryan Theriot vs. Hall & Oates extended club mix:

Heeeeee's Gone,
all right,
all right,
I better learn how to play

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