Ok. It's bad. Real bad. Really, really, really real bad. Worse than bad. A disaster. No, worse than a disaster. A fiasco. So, now what?
I don't think Jim Hendry is going to wave the blue flag of defeat just yet. The Cubs have gotten off to a very good start, especially considering that they're missing two of their stars. Instead, I think that Jim is going to scour all of baseball in an attempt to find some guy who can play first base and bat better than .250. I wish him luck on that endevour, and I would like to suggest the following players as possibilities, and the actual odds of Hendry getting them (the links pop into a new window).

Hee Seop Choi: Odds of acquisition: 20 to 1. Choi is now 27 and playing in Triple A for the Red Sox. As he proved while with the Cubs, he has a big hole in his swing and is erratically inconsistent. He's also got some power - 30 homeruns in his last 601 at bats, and a .262 batting average over that span. Choi's career OPS is .786, which isn't great, but it's suitable. As far as an injury replacement goes, you could do a lot worse than Choi.

Travis Lee: Odds of acquisition: 10 to 1. Tampa is going nowhere fast, and I don't think they'll really put up much of a fight if the Cubs make an offer for their sporadically bad first baseman, Travis Lee. Make no mistake, Lee is not good. But he's not Neifi, either, and he might just be able to keep it together long enough for Derrek Lee to make his triumphant June/July/whenever return.

Doug Mientkiewicz: Odds of acquisition: 20 to 1. He wouldn't be a great choice, but he's pretty good defensively and he's not, y'know, Neifi at the plate. A defensive option is important in this case, not because our infield is defensively unsound, but because they're not nearly as good as Derrek made them look. Doug would certainly do a better job defensively than Todd Walker, and he'd be a better hitter than Neifi (who would be our second baseman, I think, if Walker was our first baseman). Therefore, Doug needs to be considered.

Robb Quinlan: Odds of acquisition: 15 to 1. He's not exactly proven as a starter, and I have no idea how good (or bad) he is defensively. But Robb Quinlan has had about 400 career at bats in the majors (never more than 160 in a season), and in that time he's batted .296 with 28 doubles and 10 homers. Hell, why not?

Julio Franco: Odds of acquisition: 20 to 1 (unless the Cubs actually want him, at which point it's probably closer to 5 to 1). Time may have finally caught up with Julio, who is listed at 47 years of age. Or maybe he's only had 6 at bats this season. Either way, there's something almost mystical about this ancient slugger, and you have to believe that he could be had for very little because he's, well, very old. If he was the Julio of last year, that would translate into a shockingly impressive average season for him, as long as there were youngin's like the 30-something Mabry to spell him from time to time in a game.

Daryle Ward: Odds of acquisition: 20 to 1. Ward is actually a pretty competent backup player. He can play first base and the corner outfield positions. Plus, he can hit the ball - not great, but adequately. However, the Nationals might be reluctant to give up a valued bench guy.

Jeff Bagwell: Odds of acquisition: hah! Just kidding.

Tony Clark: Odds of acquisition: 20 to 1. Last year was a comeback season for Tony, who hit 30 homeruns and drove in 87 RBI in just 349 at bats. Unfortunately, he's crashed back to reality in 2006, but hey, it could be worse.

Randall Simon: Odds of acquisition: 100 to 1. I don't know what he's up to these days, but Randall has been out of major league baseball since 2004, when he went 36 for 192 with the Bucks and D-Rays (that's a .177 AVG for you non-math types). He's almost certainly done as a player, and his defense is attrocious, but hell, I'd at least sign him to a minor league contract at this point and let things play out. You never know, you might catch lightning in a bottle.

Brandon Sing: Odds of acquisition: 5 to 1. If only this guy wasn't struggling right now. Sing is a first baseman with epic power, but he's never played in Triple A before this year and he's struggling. If the Cubs feel desperate, they could call on him to join with the big team. But hopefully it doesn't reach that point. Yet, somehow, I see this as the most likely of moves.

Jacque Jones: Odds of acquisition: moot. Why Jones? Why not? Sure, he's never, ever played first base, but it can't be that hard, right? And if Jones takes up first base while Derrek is out, then the Cubs can promote Felix Pie to start in right field, who could make an immediate impact, and blah blah blah

Let's face it. We're in trouble here. There are no great fits. No one is going to do for the offense what Derrek could have done. The lineup suddenly gets a lot harder to fill out when the #3 spot is left vacant. The season just got a lot harder.

Point is, Jim Hendry has to make a move of some kind. Any move. He has to promote Sing. Or trade for Choi. Or move Jones. But he can't - he just can't leave Dusty Baker in a position where Todd Walker is the first baseman, and Neifi Perez is the starting second baseman. It just won't work out for us.

As far as the lineup goes ... the best thing to do now is move Matt Murton into the #3 spot, but Dusty probably won't do that. Christ knows what he will do.

I just hope it's something. I'm sitting here, late at night, awake and waiting for something. Anything. I refuse to believe that the season has ended on April 20th. Now, I need the Cubs to affirm my refusal, to confirm my belief.