Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Ride On, Chicago

Your name is Mark Prior. OK, no, you just wish you were Mark Prior. Because if you were, then you would've just unleashed a beating on the Pittsburgh Pirates. You would've struck out 10 in 8 innings, while allowing a meager 2 hits and 3 walks. You would've dropped your ERA back to 3.07, and, oh yeah, you might've even set the tone for the coming weeks.

Tomorrow, your friend Kerry Wood (who no one really wants to be - that is, until it's bed time) takes the hill and tries to continue the mini-winning streak.

You know, this sort of thing happened to me once before, back in 1998.

That was the year the Cubs entered the All Star Break on a winning streak. It was also the year I decided that by wearing the same pair of Cubs boxers, I was somehow responsible for that winning streak, which meant I wore the same stinky, starchy underwear for what must've been damned near nine days.

Of course, it did the Cubs no good. They lost on their first game out of the break, against the wretched Brewers.

But I'm not doing that this year. I decided long ago that if my winning-streak-maker wasn't something cool, like killing communists or busting up drug-rings, then I wasn't going to stoop to that level.

But you know, I'd do just about anything to see the Cubs rattle off a 12 or 16 game winning streak. I'd run down my street bare-ass naked. I'd go to my local barber shop... bare-ass naked. I'd even climb the statue of a moose - one of which exists only a handful of blocks away - bare-ass naked.

In fact, you can mark it. If the Cubs win 16, I'll climb the big moose some night while wearing the same clothes that I was born in. That's how dedicated I am to seeing the Cubs win some games at all costs.

Hell, I'm so dedicated I'll climb the moose if they only manage to win twelve! games in a row! Twelve!

But I can't go into this alone. I need streak-support (no pun intended). So, if the Cubs win their next 8 games, what will you do to celebrate the unlikelihood of it having happened?

Jason R.

Why am I not suprised there's a statue of a moose in Canada? I guess there's a limit number of war heroes to make into statues.

I have to give the "what would I do" question some thought. There's a statue I could climb nearby, but the guy is holding a sword, and there are just *so* many reason why that is a scary idea.


There's a WWI "doughboy" statue down the block from me. He has a rifle with a bayonet on it. But I'll give it a go if they win 12 in a row.


There is a statue of naked nymphs down here at school. If they win 12 straight by the time I leave... I could probably pay it a visit.

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