Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Mid-Season Report

I figure I'd better get this in before the All-Star break was over. I'm not too late, right?

But, you know what, there are about 50 different mid-season reports bouncing around the internet right now. And they are probably all better than anything I could come up with. So, I will try something different.

Let's play the matching game. Match each Cub player with the appropriate Star Trek character. Continue until you get bored or someone beats the crap out of you for being such a freaking loser. Let's start with the starting lineup.

Derrek Lee - Obviously, the only question with D-Lee is: "Kirk or Picard." A few seconds of thought and the obvious answer is Picard. Both excel at their positions and do it with dignity and poise. And they are both tall and thin. That was an easy one.

Todd Walker - This might throw a few people, but I'm going with Captain Kirk. Walker has proven to be a leader, but at the same time can get himself in trouble with his mouth. He may not be the most gifted, but he does more than expected with his gifts. Plus, I think Walker, more so than any other Cub, would sleep with a blue-skinned alien.

Neifi! - Beverly Crusher. Mostly because he hits like a girl.

Aramis - Gotta go with LaForge on this one. And not because Aramis often fields like a blind man. No, it is because Aramis has not gotten the acclaim of a Derrek Lee, but without him the lineup would fall apart.

Hollandubois - Hmmm...which Star Trek character combined disappointment with general incompetence? And was never properly used? I'm actually at a total lose here, so I'll go with my least favorite character: Deanne Troy.

Patterson - Little Wesley Crusher. Short, whiney, and never fulfilled his early promise. And, of course, they both strikeout at an alarming rate. Corey at the plate, Wesley with the girls.

Burnitz - Cool, laid back, and always producing? Who could it be but Sulu?

Wow, now that was enlightening. And, I might add, 15 minutes of your life you will never get back. How about we try for another 15. On to the pitching:

Maddux - Wrapping up a Hall of Fame career that can only be described as sustained excellence? The smartest pitcher ever? Who else could he be but Mr. Spock? That was an easy one.

Prior - The perfect pitcher. He's a total machine out there. So, I guess that would make him Data.

Wood - Has the stuff to be a Number One, but has proven too eratic in his career. He seems destined at this point to always be a Number Two. Can Wood grow a full beard? because I've got to go with William Riker on this one.

Zambrano - Who else but Worf? Firey, strong as an ox, and totally awesome. And I'm pretty sure Zambrano would rather die out there on the field than at home in bed.

Fifth Starter du Jour - The Tribbles! They're cute, they're mostly harmless, and boy are they abundant.

Dempster - Dr. McCoy? Sure, why not. Dammit, I'm a Closer, not a Starter!

And finally...the Management

Jim Hendry - The would be Scotty (as in "beam me up, Scotty). He engineered this whole business and he is also very fat, just like Scotty. And when the call goes out, it's "Hendry...I need. more...relievers!"

Dusty - None of other than Q. Nothing else explains his bizarre obsession with putting people in situations where they can only hope to fail. Dusty's lineup constructions are obvious some sort of bizarre experiment where the poor players are mere puppets.

And thus concludes the mid-season report. For the hopelessly confused out there who have yet to see Star Trek, my apologies. Go watch some TNN and Sci-Fi Channel and then come back and re-read. I assure you that it is absolutely hilarious.

...players are like Star Trek characters. Now THAT'S comedy.

Anyone have any others?

That they are willing to admit?


Wesley bagged Ashely Judd. Definately an FYC moment!


Dusty's not Q. He's Landreu. Innane bits of illogical logic. He's no longer relevant. He hurts the Body.


Macias, Wilson, Ordonez... Ferengi. Little buggers you wish would just go away.


This is just brilliant. I particularly like the Q/Dusty similarity.

I can also see Zambrano before each start in the locker room, shouting in a Michael Dorn-like deep voice, "It is a good day to pitch."

Also, Deanna was the hottest gal on that show.


I don't know any of the New Generation or Greatest Generation or whatever it is. And I mostly know the classic Star Trek from people making fun of it today (ouch - sorry).
But I did especially like this line: "Continue until you get bored or someone beats the crap out of you for being such a freaking loser."
(And the Dempster/McCoy thing was pretty hilarious, too.)
Good stuff.

MV Lee

Make it so.


You guys are creeping me out. I'm meandering through Cub sites and a Dungeons and Dragons tournament breaks out. Sup wit dat? I thought we were, you know, guys over here. I feel like I just saw pictures of my grandmother on a porn site. I'm going to take a shower now.
(at warp speed if it makes you feel any better)

Jason R.

If ever someone needed to be assimilated...

Regarding this not being a male enough conversation:

we're talking baseball and Star Trek, right? Do you have any idea how hard it would be to get a girl into that discussion? Do the words "runnning screaming" mean anything to you?




Now now, Jason R. In fact, studies show that more girls prefer Star Trek than boys. Furthermore, women like attractive rich men even more than men do, so they have no reason to dislike baseball, either!

Jason R.

Really? Maybe that's because women can watch Star Trek without hurting their chances of getting laid.

...I personally think it's a lucky guy that finds a woman who likes both Star Trek and baseball. I happen to be one of those lucky fellows (I suppose it helps to meet your future wife in a physics lab).


...a physics lab in which the focus of the course was estimating the statistical likelihood of the Cubs sucking as bad as they have since 1945?

Hell, that could be a college minor!

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