Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Still Not Convinced? Me Neither...

Hi.

I'm back. They keep letting me on here, even though the rest of them quit e-mailing me. Guess I spooked the hell out of 'em with my recent incident involving LaTroy Hawkins, a 2,700 pound diesel-powered guided missle, and innocent soccer moms out on I-88.

Anyway, a wise man told me to chill out, take some time to enjoy some other facets of summer life that I may have neglected lo these past 36 years while I sat ashen-faced in front of a TV screen or a radio speaker listening to the Cubs lose. He told me that things would pretty much be the same when I came back, because Dusty Baker was going nowhere, Jim Hendry was not going to get the leadoff hitter we needed, and the Cardinals would probably not all contract AIDS, meningitis, or ebola, or plunge off of a cliff enmasse in a yellow-dog schoolbus.

Sure 'nuff, the sun rises in the East, sets in the West, it hasn't rained on my front yard since last March, and the Cubs are still 7 games out of the NL Central.

If you're sitting at home all giddy because the boys in blue may wind up above .500 for the third year in a row, which really hasn't been done since '70-'72, I don't know you, I don't want to see you, hear you, or smell yer breath. Hooray. Dusty Baker is Leo the Lip, the skinhead Mike Barrett is Rebel Hundley, Z is Fergie Jenkins, but Len Kasper is not Jack Brickhouse, because he's far too conservative to enjoy golden showers in Peoria hot-pillow motels.

And, for the 97th year in a row, the World Champion Chicago Cubs only exist in movies featuring Michael J. Fox or the other kid from 'American Pie' who throws 120 mph fastballs due to medical malpractice.

I can't sit here and say that I was consumed with rage when they neglected to keep Kenny Lofton in the winter of 2003, because I figured they had plans to fortify their lineup with a better (more clubhouse-worthy) leadoff man for 2004. 18 months later, still, we wait, and the proof is right in front of you, in the black-n-white agate type of the stats page.

It doesn't matter how great your starting pitching is, or the middle of your lineup, or your pinch hitting...I mean, remember what it's like to play a team like the Marlins with a real leadoff man. He waits for a walk, or takes what he's given, and slaps a measly single. But now, he's on the bases. Rattling the pitcher, forcing him to make throws to first. Pitches are wasted when pitchouts are called. The infield defense gets preoccupied as the middle infield reviews base coverages, the corner infielders are on their toes anticipating a possible bunt. Chaos reigns, Dusty inadvertently splinters his toothpick, digging splinters deep into his tongue and upper lip area.

We've tried Corey, Walker, Neifi!!, Macias for Chrissakes. The closest we have is Hairston, but the only position he plays reasonably well is second, where our only #2 hitter usually resides. If he COULD play center field, it might not be a great tragedy to banish Patterson to the sunken living room.

Dubois, Hairston, Burnitz. The single worst Post-WWII Defensive Outfield in all creation. What if we could get all THREE to collide on one fly-ball?

Meanwhile, we trade LaTroy Hawkins and his brown-stained stirrups for two more pitching prospects, and our first-round draft pick, a pitcher, is already signed and excited to join the Chicago Cub Organization. How many tradeable pitching prospects does one team need? If we traded, say, seven of them for Johnny Damon and his bimbo wife and his two-story closet...would we really miss them?

Nah...we're still waiting for Hendry's first equal-value trade of his tenure. He's dumped bad apples...he's cherry picked from the have-nots. Wasn't the SweaterVest responsible for the trade that brought us Clement and Alfucksucka? That's the last value trade I can think of. So Dontrelle Willis turned out to be a stud? Do you really think we'd be better off if we kept him? Sheeeit...he'd still be in West Tenn, dreaming of a two-game callup the next time Kerry Wood found a lump in his breasts.

Yeah. I can almost guarantee we'll bring Lofton back here before the trade deadline. Shake my cage then. In the meantime, check out the Batgirl. That shit was fun-nee....

Boilerfan

I don't get why people think the Cubs are so hard up for a lead off hitter. Juan Pierre wouldn't have won the Cubs an extra 7 games. Johnny Damon wouldn't stop Nomar, Wood, and Prior from getting injured.
The Cubs have many problems, the lack of a high OBP, low K, speedy basestealer is not near the top of that list. The Cubs need to get the best eight hitters they can find in the linup regularly, with no regard as to where they hit in the lineup.

Jason R.

Very well said, Boilerfan. I agree that lineup construction is overrated. The thing that the leadoff hitter does (get on base) is the important thing we are missing.

Oh, and Bob...loved the "lump in his breasts" line.

Tommy

Jack Brickhouse and golden showers? Isn't this defamatory rhetoric and disrespecting the departed?

Bob

It may be defamatory, but who gives a rip about the departed?

Chicago Tribune's Chicago's Best Blogs award