Goatriders of the Apocalypse

Things You Don't Do to Big Z

With regards to the morons who decided to jack with the Iron Shef last night in Fenway, I realized just how lucky they were that security rushed in as quickly as they had. I also realized how lucky they were, that they weren't f-ing with Big Z:

Don't do these things to Big Z:

- Do NOT reach over the wall, to take a swipe at his face
- Do NOT dig in at the plate
- Do NOT go out to take him out of the game, when his pitch count is less than 110
- Do NOT drink his last beer out of his fridge
- Do NOT ask his sister out on a date
- Do NOT show him up by sauntering around the bases after a home run
- Do NOT bunt on him to break up his no-hitter
- Do NOT tell him that his mama's so fat, she leaves bathtub rings in the Panama Canal
- Do NOT call him a Mexican
- Do NOT lean on his car in the players' lot

- Do NOT change the channel when he is watching "Las Mas Calientes"...that Maria Lourdes is muy caliente indeed
- Do NOT, under any circumstances, flip him off or scream 'F&@# YOU' in his face
- Do NOT drink JoBu's rum or eat his chicken
- Do NOT whistle at his wife, and declare that you want to 'polish HER rims'
- Do NOT look back at where Barrett is holding his glove
- Do NOT insist that he wear the home whites or away grays when he is pitching
- Do NOT call him 'Wilson Alvarez'
- Do NOT steal a base on him when you are up by nine runs
- In fact, Do NOT get up by nine runs on him...you're likely to start chewing horsehide
- Finally, if you learn nothing else today about the Do's and Dont's of Carlos Zambrano, Do NOT try to rub holy water on him. He loved Papa Juan Pablo Dos, and he thinks that Dusty is somehow besmirching his holy name by shaking that damn water everywhere he goes.

Pestilence

Do not leave a hanging curveball over the middle of the plate. For he will smash it.

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