Goatriders of the Apocalypse


The circumstances around my birth are vague to say the least, but legend has it that my parents found me in a reed basket floating down a river of Old Style and other bodily fluids along a curb on Waveland Avenue. From that moment on, I would be raised a Cubs fan.

Growing up, the Cubs taught me everything I needed to know to live a prosperous life. Sammy Sosa and Ron Santo lectured me on the finer points of the English language. Greg Maddux showed me proper sock attire and hosiery fashion. And of course, institutions like Hi-Tops and Casey Moran's educated me on everything I needed to know about the human mating process.

Kyle Betts at a Chicago Cubs game

Now as an adult, I spend my time in Central Illinois "studying" journalism and remembering those summer days at Wrigley when I saw Bob Brenly touch himself off-camera (I hope) and when Neifi Perez made threaten gestures at me with a baseball bat. Good times, friends, good times.

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