Goatriders of the Apocalypse

How does Luis Castillo grab ya?

OR Pat Burrell? Or Kevin Millwood? 


For a few hours last night, Cub fans may have felt our long national nightmare was soon to end, based on hot rumors of a three-way trade with the Mets and Jays that would plop Don't Wake Daddy in Canada, and return us Luis Castillo.  But last night, Toronto (wisely?) quashed this rumour as they spell it there.  They don't want any part of the Milton Bradley Experience, even if it means they get to crawl out from the bottom of The Lyle Overpay Contract. 


They'd take MB for Vernon Wells, possessor of "the Worst Contract Ever" according to one MLB GM.  Probably his own.  But otherwise, no thank you.  Canadians are nothing if not polite.


OK, so while Hendry continues bouncing around O'Hare Hilton with a fake smile glued onto his mug, let's just suppose we simplify this equation a bit...take the Jays out, and make it an even swap for Castillo.  I believe that he and Miguel Cabrera are the only remaining 2003 Marlins who Hendry has not acquired, after Juan Pierre, DLee, Todd Hollandsworth, Chad Fox, Ryan Dempster...


Seriously, though?  Castillo has a two-year deal for a few less bucks than Bradley.  I certainly remember Luis as a monumental pain in our ass in 2003 - 2005 with the Fish.  He hit second behind Lucky Pierre, and it seemed they were always on base, driving our pitchers nuts with infield choppers and steals.  Since then, he has ended up in Queens, and last year with Aaron Heilmann here, Castillo was the designated scapegoat and fan (least) favorite.  Ask any Met fan and they will tell you that Castillo is lower than whale shit. 


As with Heilmann, there is a grain of truth to the accusation, but neither one are as bad as Mets fans make them out to be.  Plus, he does have a career .370 OBP, he hit over .300 last year with a .385 OBP.  He was a Gold-glove 2B as recently as 2005, and he isn't a bad guy on a personal level.  Finally, and most importantly, he is not Milton Bradley.


But, keep all this in mind: he is no more of a leadoff hitter than Ryan Theriot.  He has no power whatsoever, ok.  In fact, his offensive numbers are similar, certainly not better, than The Riot's.  He is nowhere near the hitter Fukudome is.  Also, he is not ideal for us since we have at least two decent second basemen already on our roster - The Riot and Baker.  You can't pair him, at least offensively, with the only decent shortstop we have, Andres Blanco.  Although, if we did that, our up-the-middle defense would be greatly improved.


He is not the little slice of hell on the basepaths he was with Florida.  I believe that if we were to bring in Luis Castillo, it would not improve our team, outside of the fact that we would no longer have Bradley - and as crappy as he was last year, he contributed as much if not more offensively than Fukudome or Soriano amongst our outfielders.  What I am saying here is a Castillo-for-Bradley swap would leave us with an even larger offensive shortfall.


Even if getting Castillo for Bradley seems to be a pleasant enough notion, fact is, on a purely baseball basis, Luis Castillo is just about the LAST thing we need.


The next-to-last thing we need is a left-fielder, and Tampa Bay is also talking to us about MB in an attempt to dump Pat (the Bat) Burrell on us.  As I have said before, Pat the Bunny would be just as useful to us at this point.  Our left fielder of the recent past, present, and future is in house, possessor of the Second Worst Contract in History.  Once again, he's a more well adjusted human being than Bradley, but at least Bradley plays right field.


Texas would like to pawn Kevin Millwood and his $10 MM committment for 2010 on us, and would also like us to eat most if not all of Bradley's 2011 salary as well.  Man, what does this mean?  Millwood is essentially the Marquis Du Suck without the decent bat.  Plus, Marquis' salary he signed with us has expired.  So what we've done, essentially, if we make THIS trade, is give Jason Marquis a one year, $10 million extension to be our fifth starter in 2010, PLUS we had to deal with the Muppet Show for a year, plus we will be giving Texas around 6 million dollars American in 2011 for nothing. 


We shoulda just kept Marquis' dumb ass around and ran Hoffpauir out there in RF in 2009 to commit his 20 errors and hit .240.  We'd be better off.


I have one more wacky thought, but I want to simmer it a little before I lay it on all of you.  Later...

Chicago Tribune's Chicago's Best Blogs award