Goatriders of the Apocalypse

What would a Cubs 7-man rotation look like?

please no more "process of thinking aloud" colums. They are stupid.

coming in July --> The Cubs 7 man Rotation

A friendly note to all readers of this blog
(pan in on Kurt Evans, sitting in a stage built to look like an office.  Behind the hastily constructed faux window is a poorly painted landscape done either in expressionist style, or by a 7 year old.  Kurt is wearing a plaid suit jacket with navy dress pants and red suede pumas on his feet)

Hi there.  My name is Kurt Evans.  You may have seen me in such idiot op-ed pieces like "How to Blog" parts 1 through 5, and "The Spring Training Championship Series."

(stands up, walks around desk and sits down on it)

Today, I'd like to talk to you about my attitude toward readers like you.

(turns left to camera set up at stage right)

Hi, Goat Reader.  You know I love ya.  Without you guys, I'd be shoutin' into an empty room.  I'd be a tree fallin' down in an empty woodland area in the heartland of America.  I'd be nothin', Goat Reader.  Nothin' at all.

(turns right to camera set up at stage left)

But let me tell ya somethin'.  Between bouts of alcoholism and dementia, my daddy was a wise man.  And he told me somethin' once that I never forgot.  He said "never give them what they think they want."  Or maybe that was Stan Lee.  Either way, he was right.

(stands up, walks stage left to face a map of the United States of America that appears to have been made before 1948)

We got a lotta readers out there, all over this country and its ...48 States.  We got readers who sleep with a King James under their pillow and we got readers who enjoy having sword fights with dirty dildos.  We got readers who've lost body parts due to money owed to the mafia and we've got readers whose strongest cuss word is "gosh, heck, and tarnation."  In other words, we're servin' a lot of people with many different loves, hates, and standards of decency.

(rips map off the wall, crumples it, and throws it to the ground)

And they can all cower beneath a shower - nay, a shellfire - of righteous hellfire if they think they can tell me what to write about!   By gawd, I ain't exactly doin' this for the money!  Lemme tell ya, Goat Reader, bloggin' is a time wastin', money suckin' occupation and all those rumors of hot groupies gone wild and week-long coke benders are flat out mostly untrue!

Content ain't easy to create, my friends, but if you come here daily only to discover that we're posting weekly, by gawd you won't be comin' here much longer!

(wags finger disparagingly)

No, we gotta feed the beast!  We gotta sing the song!  We gotta tap the dance!  So sometimes, in those long, cold months where the only story to report on is whether or not Paul Bako's gonna be a Cub again, sometimes we gotta come up with stuff!  So we grab on an idea, a concept, a horrible, depressing, embarrassing viewpoint and sweet Jesus we write about it!

(starts jumping up and down emphatically)

We write the crap out of it!  We turn it into a five part series!   We invite reader discorse on it!  And maybe it's somethin' as stupid as whether or not Mark Grace should be a Hall of Famer, or on creatin' your own blog, or -- Sweet Hallelujah!  -- sometimes we hypothesize over a really bad idea like using 10 starters to pitch through all your games instead of relying on a solid, dependable crew of relief pitchers!  And I'll tell ya somethin', Goat Readers, I'll shoot ya

(points finger at camera)

If you don't appreciate it and start to complain, by gawd we'll just do it again in order to spite ya!  Because nobody is sitting behind you right now with a gun pointed to your head forcing you to read this, unless you happen to be that reader who has already lost body parts to the mafia.  If you're that guy anything can be happening right now!

(returns to desk, sits down behind it)

But please, don't take it personal, Goat Reader.  If my own mother, gawd rest her soul (she's still alive) were to say somethin' like "I don't like all those pictures of boobies you have," even though she woulda accidentally have gone to goatriders dot com and we don't post pictures of boobies here, I'd probably post pictures of boobies just to teach her a lesson!

After all, if we don't usually do the things you don't like, then chances are we won't do them again too soon if you just ignore it when it happens!  (And, on the other hand, if you more-often-than-not hate what we do, then you shouldn't be reading this blog anyway.)  But if you say at random "another (insert thing you hate here)?  I HATE that!  Please stop doing that!"  Then I can promise you a minimum of one grudge post on that very topic within 24 hours.  That's just the way we roll, buddy.

Thanks, Goat Reader, for takin' the time to hear me out.  Oh, and if the Cubs decided to go with a 7-man rotation, I think it'd look like this:

Carlos Zambrano
Ryan Dempster
Ted Lilly
Rich Harden
Sean Marshall
Aaron Heilman
Jeff Samardzija

With a 6 man bullpen of ...

Aaron Miles (he's pitched before)
Neal Cotts
Kevin Gregg
Chad Gaudin
Luis Vizcaino
Carlos Marmol

I bet the'd do AWESOME!


You should post your predictions on the website I'm spamming you about. Here are my Cubs predictions.

I'm sorta confused here Kurt....

There's a better 7 man rotation I posted in your "Craziest thought I've had in while" thread, but I cheated and made the decision to trade for Jake Peavy. Thats the reason I said something about a cubs 7 man rotation in the first place because I drew one up yesterday, not because I was being a smart ass or complaining about what you wrote up. But I really don't think that you're posting to spite me here, are you?

Oy, Harry. It wasn't even

Oy, Harry. It wasn't even remotely about you, except that the previous post I'd written was based somewhat on a tongue-in-cheek comment you'd made. Reckoneyes said "please no more stupid think out loud posts." This was obviously a stupid, think out loud post.

The worst part was that you were actually a part of that entire conversation and you still missed the point. I must suck as a writer.

No I got ya, and you are a

No I got ya, and you are a pretty damn good writer by the way. Probably too good of a writer to only be writing here I'd say.

Easter dinner conundrum

You have a thawed turkey, a fresh prime rib roast, and a nice bone-in ham, and your planned Easter guests will only manage to eat two of the above, and they don't show any real preference to any of the three. What do you do?

1) Give one of the above (NOT THE RIB ROAST!!!) to the poor
2) Cook 'em all, and have tons of leftovers that you'll never get to before they spoil
3) Cook the turkey and the rib roast, and put the ham back into the fridge, because it's cured and salted and will last longer, and besides, ham's overrated?
4) The Sox still suck

The surplus of Cubs starters, in case you haven't figured it out by now, are the trio of entree choices. We could send Heilman and Samardjia (the ham) to Pittsburgh (the poor) for Dinesh and Rinku, I suppose, but that's dumb.

We could cook them all (the seven man rotation) but since this has never been done before, we don't know what effects it will have on its participants.

Or we can send Samardzija (the ham) to Des Moines (the fridge), since right now, he's overrated.

And yes, the Sox suck.

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